"If you try something once and you don't like it, try it again to find out
why someone else does."
--- The Marquis De Sade.
From: Allen Brown
I went to a strip mall the other day. Let me tell you,
I was disappointed. Everybody else had on clothes.
From: James T Perkins
It's true that I did get the girl, but then my grandfather always said,
"Even a blind chicken finds a few grains of corn now and then."
--- Lyle Lovett, musician, upon marrying
actress Julia Roberts, 1994
From: Filiston Parthonia
"Women can fake orgasms. Men, on the other hand, can fake whole
From: Greg Bacon
Daphne: Don't tell me that you've never used sex to get what you want
Frasier: Men can't use sex to get what we want. Sex *IS* what we want.
From: Mark Schumann
Aren't you glad you didn't marry someone dumber than you?
From: Christian Wagner
I read erotica;
you read pornography;
he reads smut.
From: Osma Ahvenlampi
Grab them by the balls -- the hearts and minds will follow.
From: Jonathan Michael Hawkins
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad
girls live. ;)
From: Greg Bacon
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important
occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants?
"Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."
From: Greg Bacon
When going to visit the woman, do not forget the whip.
From: Jack Doyle
You can lead a horticulture.
But, you can't make her think.
--- On a white-board at work.
From: Steve Pugh
"Grab reality by the balls and squeeze."
From: Josh Kortbein
Like the ski resort full of girls hunting for husbands and husbands hunting
for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem.
From: jason m. laughman
From: Paul Joslin
My wife is incredibly immature. Tell me if you don't think this is
immature - she'll come into the bathroom when I'm in the tub, just
barge right in, sink all of my boats...
From: Paul Joslin
One of the better reasons for having children is that it gives you an excuse
for buying those things you always wanted as a kid. Of course, given an
understanding SO, you don't need an excuse. Also, your SO will tend to yell at
you if you break the toys before your offspring gets a shot at them.
From: Felix von Leitner
I will not say that women have no character; rather, they have a new
one every day.
From: Michael Olivier
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized, thank you!"
From: Matthias Urlichs
A roll in bed with some honey.
From: Stephanie Dyrkacz
"Men are like fudge: sweet, but dense and rarely good for you."
--- Audrey Walton-Hadlock, '99
From: Stephen Potter
"I'm supposed to be their God, and I've broken five of their
commandments already. I'd've broken all six, but there aren't
any sheep on board."
--- Dave Lister, 3rd technician, Red Dwarf
From: George Burgyan
Remember, the conjugation is:
I am erotic.
You are kinky.
They are perverts.
From: Victor Pomar
"I am as confused as a baby in a topless bar"
A woman's place is in your face.
email@example.com (Deb Storch) wrote:
"Men are like linoleum. You lay 'em right and you
can walk all over them for thirty years!"
--- Brett Butler, "Grace Under Fire"
I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting
married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers
to burn my toast for me.
"The only reason that so many women fake orgasms is because so many
men fake foreplay."
"Murder is a crime. Describing murder is not.
Sex is not a crime. Describing sex is."
"It's been so long since I had sex, I don't remember who gets tied up!"
From: Allen W. Sherzer
"If they can put a man on the Moon,
why can't they put a man on the Moon?"
From: That's Fat SIR to you!!
The first time I had sex, I was terrified. I was alone..
From: From seismo!mirror!mirror.TMC.COM!brian Sat Feb 28 14:07:12 1987
"Won't somebody tell me, just who and what I did...
Why's this ring on my finger, and who's that screaming kid?"
--- "Lost Weekend" by the Beat Farmers
From: Richard Joltes
"Mind you, not as bad as the night Archie Pettigrew ate some
sheep's testicles for a bet...God, that bloody sheep kicked him..."
From: Elf Sternberg
Elf Sternberg Through a bureaucratic error, you are made county
coroner. You seriously consider the job because
it gives you:
firstname.lastname@example.org (1) Lots of unclaimed wedding rings and watches.
email@example.com (2) Lots of gold fillings and bridges.
(3) Free blood.
(4) A constantly changing array of new friends who
aren't at all stuffy about what happens to their
You see, I find nothing bad in nudity as such either, people are all
nude underneath their clothes, . . .
From: Matt Curland
I think when a person has been found guilty of rape
he should be castrated. That would stop him pretty quick.
"Bad mood, bad mood...Sure I'm in a bad mood! I haven't had
From: Steve Lamont
the way to hump a cow is not
to get yourself a stool
but draw a line around the spot
and call it beautifool
"The 'Bay Area Bisexual' told me I didn't quite coincide with
either of her desires."
From: Richard Chandler
People are more violently opposed to fur than leather, because it's
safer to harass rich women than biker gangs.
"Ride a motorcycle. Save Gas, Oil, Rubber, Steel, Aluminum, Parking
Spaces, The Environment, and Money. Plus, you get to wear all the
leather you want!"
From: Muffy Barkocy
"amorous inclinations"? Aha! I'm not "not straight," I'm *inclined*.
Flynn - "Two strokes, and I'm done."
Ian - "Well, that's a common male problem, but it's treatable."
From: Deborah J. Ruppert
"Sex is just the beginning, not the end. But if you miss the
beginning, you will miss the end, too."
From: Shriram K. Chaubal
Go sit on a Happy face!!!
From: Keith Freedman
George Carlin: "I don't understand why prostitution is illegal.
Selling is legal, Fucking is legal, why isn't
selling fucking legal?"
From: Darren S. Embry
``There's a lot of stupid people out there. Just to prove it, think
of how dumb the average person is, and then realize that half of the
people out there are stupider than that.''
--- George Carlin, as quoted by firstname.lastname@example.org
From: Jamie R. McCarthy
"I don't think Christians should use birth control. You consummate
your marriage as often as you like -- and if you have babies, you
"I don't think we should punish the criminal (a rapist) by killing
--- Randall Terry, Executive Director, Operation Rescue
--- Dr. John Wilke, President,
National Right to Life Committee
From: David Knapp
"Oh please, Lord, break the curse on women's hearts that says we
don't need our men. Break that independence...Help men to rise
up to take positions of leadership and authority that we might
submit to them."
--- Toni Denver,
operation rescue member, as she is
quoted in Life Magazine, July 1992
From: Jonathan Scott Haas
Jake liked his women the way he liked his kiwi fruit: sweet yet tart,
firm-fleshed yet yielding to the touch, and covered with short brown
From: NEWS system
Money DOES talk -- it says goodbye *****
Courage: two cannibals having oral sex.
From: Charlie Prince
"I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be
beating a dead horse."
From: Larry M Headlund
French woman to moi: Is it true that there is a mountain range in
the US called the Grand Tetons?
French woman: Do you know what that means?
moi: Yes, most Americans don't speak French.
From: Joe Raaymakers
I always wonder about that story about the Dutch boy who stopped the
flood by sticking his finger in the dyke. Didn't the dyke mind? :-)
From: Paul Stacy
When lost in the wilderness, drop your pants and jerk off.
Someone's bound to see you.
--- advice from a Native American guide
"Being blonde is a state of mindlessness."
Why is the DM smiling like that?!?!
"I've been in more laps than a napkin,"
From: Robert Ryan Mangiarelli
My Favorite Toast: To Honor.
Once you get honor,
Sean Connery, speaking of co-star Lorraine Bracca:
"She needs more discipline,
but I think that applies for most women."
**Lothie -- if you can't stand the heat, get out of my dishwasher
It's self evident. Penguins are well-dressed, shiny and always
have that little smirk on their faces. Yep, very desirable.
From: Jerry Nokes Jr.
"I shall not fear, fear is the little devil.."
"How about "I'm a Lesbian trapped in a man's body"?"
--- Frank Herbert, "DUNE"
--- Jerry Nokes in a Lesbian Bar
From: Ron Dippold
A fool and his honey are soon parted.
From: Melanie A. Miller
"PMS? No, I'm like this naturally--why?"
From: Jessica L. Babylon
"PMS: Just before their periods women behave the way men do
all the time"
From: Dave Johnson
"You're not too smart, are you? I like that in a man."
--- Kathleen Turner in Body Heat
From: Nolan Hinshaw
"... necrophilia doesn't really hurt anybody."
From: Philippos A. Peleties
I speak for myself, I think for myself, I work for myself ...
but I don't want to play by myself ... so bring your toys
and let's share ...
From: Ian Nelson
Pick-up line of the month:
I seem to have lost my phone number, could I have yours?
From: Crunchy Frog
Juggling is like sex - it's not the size of your equipment, it's
the skill with which you use it (and while you can do it by yourself,
lots of folks find it more fun with a partner). People also have
videos of other people doing it, which they distribute between
From: Rachel J. Perkins
"Chastity..the most unnatural of all the sexual perversions...."
From: Mark Hollis
Chastity is its own punishment.
From: Nobody special
"It seems so dull to confine yourself just to girls of your own
--- Tom Rice, "Across A Billion Years"
From: Andy Bartalone
"...she had a nightclub walk that made grown men feel underage...."
From: andre koome
I gave up Smoking, Drinking, and Sex.
It were the worst fifteen minutes of my life.
My opinions are my wife's and she says I'm DAMN lucky to have them.
[Reference to Measure 9 in Oregon]
It could have been us: Nerds Against Nine
"Every man is a potential rapist."
--Andrea Dworkin, noted psycopath
"Every car door is a potential falling object."
--RICHH, captain of industry
Of all sexual aberrations, chastity is the strangest.
From: Ken Johnson
Son, all the pretty, intelligent, healthy young women are taken.
It's a basic rule of the universe, and if you don't like it,
go somewhere else.
From: Roger Noe
Subject: Re: Supreme Court to hear oral arguments in sodomy case
> AUSTIN, Texas (UPI) -- The Texas Supreme Court is scheduled
> to hear oral arguments Tuesday in a case challenging the
> state's sodomy law.
OK, who's the wise guy who picked THAT headline (see the Subject)? :-)
"Darling, it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me!"
--- Sebastian, _The Little Mermaid_
From: Jack McKinney
"A lot of stuff in school... you don't appreciate 'til you get to
be older, you know, little things, like being spanked everyday by
a middle-aged woman... Stuff you'd pay good money for later in
Blessed be the ties that bind...
From: Jadzia Dax
"It's a good thing I was born a woman, or I'd be a drag queen."
A little levity from Dolly Parton
Ms. Dolly Parton is basically a local girl and she sent out in a press
release this week here in Knoxville the Top Ten favorite "Dolly" quotes:
10. "I wanted to be the first woman to burn her bra, but it would have
taken the fire department four days to put it out."
9. "Home is where I hang my hair."
8. "It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen."
7. "Find out who you are and do it on purpose!"
6. "When I talk to a man, I can always tell what he's thinking by where
he's looking. If he's looking at my eyes, he's looking for intelligence.
If he's looking at my mouth, he's looking for wisdom. If he's looking
anywhere else except my chest, he's looking for another man."
5. "It takes a lot of time and money to look this cheap."
4. "If I see something saggin', baggin', or draggin', I'm gone have
it nipped, tucked, or sucked!"
3. "They think I'm simpleminded because I seem to be happy. Why shouldn't
I be happy? I have everything I ever wanted and more. Maybe I am
simpleminded. Maybe that's the key: simple."
2. "I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes, because I know I'm
not dumb ... and I also know that I'm not blonde."
1. "That I can look totally artificial and be totally real is perfectly
fine with me.''
From: Lisa Ehren
"Bondage can be fun when you use a lot of rope. Its better, though,
when you use too much!"
"Too much of a good thing can be wonderful."
To bi or not to bi...that was a question. email@example.com
From: Michael D. Adams
Bigotry is not a family value -- boycott Colorado, think twice
about Oregon, watch out for Ohio, Idaho, Michigan, Maine, and
Florida. Beware lunatic actuaries in the night!
Since when do you have to agree with people to defend them from
Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin.
From: Kris Asber
Why do the "family values" people always focus on family
instead of values?
From: Pat Steward
I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is;
I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express
sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat.
From: Chris Herrmann
"I wonder what the leash and collar set does for excitement"
"I'd probably settle for a vampire if he were romantic enough.
--- Tramp, Lady and the Tramp
Couldn't be any worse than some of the relationships I've had."
From: Sue Clark
"They've opened up every part of my body save one at this point,
and I think we're saving that one one 'til sweeps".
From: Nurse Jones
Nurse (save me a dry spot) Jones,
do more than
From: Bryan D Levenson
Being undressed is that state of clothing in which
one would not (necessarily) want to be seen in public.
Celibacy is not heredity - First law of socio-genetics.
From: Richard Steven Walz
Without safe and free abortion women are organ-surrogates to
unwanted parasites. Real Men would never accept organ-slavery
and will protect Women.
From: Solo Polyphony
Confused? Call Councellor Troi at 1-900-NCC-1701. $1.95/min.
From: Chrons Otto
Woman, a great program, with no documentation
"Man is to be held only by the _slighest_ chains;
with the idea that he can break them at pleasure,
he submits to them in sport."
From: Bret D. Wortman: WordMan
Lister: Love is what separates us from the animals
Rimmer: No, Lister -- what separates us from animals
is that we don't use our tongues to clean our genitals.
From: Wouter Slegers
Religion and sex are powerplays*
manipulate the people for the money they pay
Selling skin, selling god*
the numbers are the same on their creditcards!
From: Ailsa N.T. Murphy
Silence \ /Action
Bisexuality is my sexual orientation. Lesbian- = \ / =
ism is my sexual preference. Feminism is my Death \ / Life
religion. If that still leaves me with contra- \/
dictions, I'll live with it.
From: A Usenet Pal
Feminism: a socialist, anti-family political movement
that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their
children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and
From: Steven Bevilacqua
... or rent the "Rocky Horry picture Show" which is
a documentury about the difficulties of a transsexual foriener
who happens to be a great scientist, it should be very informative.
From: Matthias Urlichs
Q: How many necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one. Oh, excuse me, could you please test the socket with
your finger while I go get a new bulb?
From: Lawrence C. Foard
------ Advantages of being Gay: .
\ / 1) You can bring your date to the MIT ham swap meet. . .
\ / 2) You won't be spending eternity with Pat Robertson. . . .
\/ 3) If you manage to knock up your BF you win the NOBEL prize. . . .
From: John martin fox
"The Americans, like the English, make love worse than any other race."
From: Oscar Rene Garcia
"You gotta be a fucking Rembrandt to put makeup on!"
--- Amanda Brooks (Ellen Barkin, Switch)
From: Randy Goldberg, MS96, New York Med
HE: Bloody Catholics! Every time they have sex, they have to
have a child!
SHE: But dear, we have two children...
--- Monty Python's
The Meaning of Life
From: Wendy Phem
New Mother: "Is it a boy or a girl?"
Doctor: "I think it's a little early to
start imposing roles on it,
--- from `Monty Python's `The Meaning of Life'
From: the Etcher
WOLF:"...All the better to EAT you with, my dear..."
RIDING HOOD: "Eat! Eat! Eat! Doesn't anyone FUCK anymore?"
From: Xiphias Gladius
Help! I'm being non-consentually topped by all my friends who
don't want me to flunk out!
From: 99 and 44/100% pure.
The electrons within this message are 100% unrecycled. Whole forests
were leveled, vast virgin landscapes devastated, and thousands of
small furry animals left homeless in order to generate the
electricity to send, store, and display this message. I am aroused
and excited just thinking about it.
From: Grant Edwards
Yow! Is this sexual intercourse yet?? Is it, huh, is it??
From: Karen Sebastian
"I did it--120 MPH for 9,000 feet of freefall!
The most fun you can have with your clothes on."
From: Karen Sebastian
"I did it--120 MPH for 9,000 feet of freefall!
They tell me it's okay to use your rent money to go skydiving--
if you die, it doesn't matter at all!"
From: Inanna/Leigh Ann
"Anything a man can do I can do worse, and make it hurt more.
Ready to go on to the next level of pain?"
--- nasty vicious badgirl to sweet pure
innocent torture victim, today on
the soap opera "Guiding Light"
Nov 4 20:27:05 PST 1993
... If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular???
From: SCOTT RICHARD KEMPER
Imagination and idleness bear many ugly children. -
--- Michael P. Kube-McDowell
"Sticks and Stones
May break my bones
But Leather and Chains _excite_ me"
From: Joel John Bush
"It's okay to laugh during sex, just so long as you don't point."
From: Rebecca Ann Stallings
"Remember, Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she
did it backwards and in high heels."
From: Don Wilkinson
"SM is about being hurt by someone you know would never hurt you"
From: Lex Stevens
"I don't see how a guy looking at a naked girl in a magazine is
degrading to women. Everyone has their sexuality. It's how you
treat people in everyday life that counts, not what turns you on
in your fantasy."
Co-ed Law enforcement, up against the wall and spread 'em.
Co-Ed Firefighting: Find 'em hot leave 'em wet.
From: benjamin franz
Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
From: Andy Bolton
My reaction to porno films is as follows: After the first ten
minutes, I want to go home and screw. After the first twenty
minutes, I never want to screw again as long as I live.
From: Chris Royle
"In the sex war, insensitivity is the weapon of the male,
vindictiveness of the female".
From: Roy S Rapoport
"Some girls like to be boys who get turned into girls who take it
up the ass while pretending they are boys, who are discovered to
be boys who like to suck off other boys who think they are girls."
From: Roy S Rapoport
"I've been lusting after you for longer than you know; it's just
too bad that you are more interested in my boyfriend than me."
From: Roy S Rapoport
"Roy, you're as good as a strap-on."
From: Jack Brown
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
They both have a one in a million chance of becoming a human.
From: Thomas Aaron Insel
"Sex in the Champaign Public Library is being restricted to patrons
18 years of age and older."
--- Michelle Collins, The Daily Illini
"Who was that dominatrix I saw you with last night?"
"That was no dominatrix, that was my wife!"
From: Alan Yasutovich
I can remember when "safe sex" meant having a padded headboard!!
"In a now famous remark, Edward Gibbon observed that 'of the first
fifteen emperors Claudius was the only one whose taste in love was
entirely correct,' meaning heterosexual. 'But,' added
W.C. Firebaugh, 'Claudius was a moron.'"
--- Prof. John Boswell
"Christianity, Social Tolerance and Homosexuality"
From: Jeremy Sammons
As a virgin I think I can speak from experience here.
From: Brian G.
If you smoke after sex, you're going too fast.
From: Mario M. Butter
Kinky sex is for those who can't handle normal sex.
Anne Elizabeth Bevilacqua "student",femme,bottom,theatrejock,poet,artist.
firstname.lastname@example.org Remember, SM can mean more than stage manager
Why do you hang around with that sadist? BEATS ME! :-)
From: Thomas C. Hartman
On a tombstone:
"They gave me a medal for killing two men,
and a discharge for loving one."
From: Amy goRin
My fairly godmother is hard of hearing.
She sent me a knight in shining rubber.
"Another thing missing from the feminist discourse until I came along
is that girls go after guys, use them -- that sex and power and
aggression are fused on *both* sides. Girls, in fact, are always
manipulating men: It's called c***teasing."
--- Camille Paglia, Lesbian Erotica Author
"Feminism is the radical notion that women are people"
--- Cheris Kramarae, Paula Treichler
"If women have the right to choose if they become parents, men
[should] have that right too." There is a connection between
legalizing abortion for women and ending of paternity suits for men.
Giving men their own choices would not deny choices to women. It
would only eliminate their expectation of having those choices
financed by men.
--- Karen DeCrow
Former President of N.O.W.
SILLY FAGGOTS, DICKS ARE FOR CHICKS.
Sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
"I used to think the brain was the most wonderful organ in the body.
Then I realized who was telling me that."
Someone asked me recently, "Which do like better, Mike, sex or golf?"
I had to answer golf, for two reasons. One, you get 18 holes to
choose from, and the other is because I remember what golf is like.
From: Jonny Ray Purvis
1. Life's too short to drink cheap beer.
2. It isn't dancing if I can't hold her close.
3. Stupid people shouldn't breed.
4. Children are a sexually transmitted disease.
From: Jeremy Ramsey
Why yes, the Rhythm Method works just as well as
everything else.....say, have you met my son yet?
From: lmerkel on BIX
I hear that guys in Mensch-sa, the 12-inch-minimum-penis club,
like to brag about their SAT scores as being "in the triple digits"
in both verbal & math.
From: Darren S. Embry
``If you love someone, set her free.
If she comes back, she's yours.
If she toddles away or crawls, definitely too young.''
--- some random in rec.humor.oracle
From: Simon Conant
"Most people keep their brains between their legs, don't you find..."
From: Timothy E. Onders
"Dangerous is exciting, but unhealthy.
Harmless is safe, but boring.
Mostly harmless the most dangerous of all."
"Let's just say there are a lot of things you
can do with Wesson Oil besides frying chicken"
From: "Ming S. Chan"
Bigamy: too many wives.
Monogamy: same thing.
From: Matthias Urlichs
It is better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.
"The road to Paradise is through Intercourse."
(Intercourse and Paradise are in Eastern Pennsylvania.)
From: Mikko Kartano
Later I go out to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress bring
back me a spoon and knife and no fock. I tell her I wanna fock.
She tells me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand,
I wanna fock on the table. She say you better no fock onna table,
you sonna a bitch.