From: "Siki McIvor"

All spelling errors courtesy of autocorrect: the new Freudian slip.
From: "Alan Batie"

“I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers...”
From: http://arstechnica.com/security/2013/06/more-than-360000-apache-websites-imperiled-by-crticial-vulnerability/?comments=1

Visitors are informed that in the United Kingdom traffic drives on the
left-hand side of the road. In the interests of safety, you are advised
to practise this in your country of origin for a week or two before driving
in the UK.
--- UK Ministry of Transport
From: "Emanuele Balla (aka Skull)"

Paranoia is a disease unto itself. And may I add: the person standing
next to you may not be who they appear to be, so take precaution.
From: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Molly_Ivins

"Having breast cancer is massive amounts of no fun. First they
mutilate you; then they poison you; then they burn you. I have
been on blind dates better than that."
--- Molly Ivins
From: "Neil Preston"

I'd like to offer an amendment (believed to be original) to a proverbial
quotation variously attributed to Disraeli, Twain and others:

"There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics"
...... and now there are computer models.

--- Neil Preston
From: http://www1.investorvillage.com/smbd.asp?mb=1911&mn=43547&pt=msg&mid=3020673

Walter, that ain't no "nice Jewish boy".

His picture sends chills down my spine.

I have seen that look before.

The Devil has never gone to this man and offered him something
for his soul. You have to have a soul, before you can trade it.

Tomorrow is going to be fun.
--- AllParadox
From: http://yro.slashdot.org/comments.pl?sid=191810&cid=15757347

Said one park ranger, "There is considerable overlap between the
intelligence of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists."
From: MacAlan Thompson

Give a man a beer and he wastes an hour; teach a man to brew, and he
wastes a lifetime.
From: Alan Batie

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to
skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body
thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
From: http://www.geocities.com/enematic5000/girls.html

First, we assume that all girls take time and money.
Girls = Time x Money
Furthermore, we take the statement, "Time is money", and we get:
Time = Money
Girls = Money x Money
Girls = Money^2
Moreover, the statement, "Money is the root of all evil" means that:
Evil = the square root of money
Girls = (Evil)^1/2 (Evil)^1/2
which reduces to...
Girls = Evil
From: http://www.groklaw.net/comment.php?mode=display&sid=20050415005500230&title=Thanks.+Interesting+stuff&type=article&order=&hideanonymous=0&pid=300984#c300987

Nothing screams 'poor workmanship' like wrinkles in the duct tape.
From: http://finance.messages.yahoo.com/bbs?.mm=FN&action=m&board=1600684464&tid=cald&sid=1600684464&mid=220967

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache,
do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
--- Author Unknown
From: http://finance.messages.yahoo.com/bbs?.mm=FN&action=m&board=1600684464&tid=cald&sid=1600684464&mid=220967

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group
for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
--- Drew Carey
From: http://finance.messages.yahoo.com/bbs?.mm=FN&action=m&board=1600684464&tid=cald&sid=1600684464&mid=220967

"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job,
but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of
the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
--- Jeff Foxworthy
From: http://finance.messages.yahoo.com/bbs?.mm=FN&action=m&board=1600684464&tid=cald&sid=1600684464&mid=220967
From: http://finance.messages.yahoo.com/bbs?.mm=FN&action=m&board=1600684464&tid=cald&sid=1600684464&mid=220967

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat
it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they
should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the
day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--- Bob Ettinger
From: http://finance.messages.yahoo.com/bbs?.mm=FN&action=m&board=1600684464&tid=cald&sid=1600684464&mid=220967

"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake
and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you
how to swim.'"
--- Paula Poundstone
From: http://finance.messages.yahoo.com/bbs?.mm=FN&action=m&board=1600684464&tid=cald&sid=1600684464&mid=220967

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills
than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
--- Conan O'Brien
From: http://finance.messages.yahoo.com/bbs?.mm=FN&action=m&board=1600684464&tid=cald&sid=1600684464&mid=220967

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my
fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."
--- Lynda Montgomery
From: http://finance.messages.yahoo.com/bbs?.mm=FN&action=m&board=1600684464&tid=cald&sid=1600684464&mid=220967

"I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said,
'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.
Let's go west.'"
--- Richard Jeni
From: http://finance.messages.yahoo.com/bbs?.mm=FN&action=m&board=1600684464&tid=cald&sid=1600684464&mid=220967

"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would
be dead."
--- Johnny Carson
From: http://finance.messages.yahoo.com/bbs?.mm=FN&action=m&board=1600684464&tid=cald&sid=1600684464&mid=220967

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--- Paul Rodriguez
From: http://finance.messages.yahoo.com/bbs?.mm=FN&action=m&board=1600684464&tid=cald&sid=1600684464&mid=220967

"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and
that's the law."
--- Jerry Seinfeld
From: http://finance.messages.yahoo.com/bbs?.mm=FN&action=m&board=1600684464&tid=cald&sid=1600684464&mid=220967

"Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have
to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is
the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"
--- Warren Hutcherson
From: http://finance.messages.yahoo.com/bbs?.mm=FN&action=m&board=1600684464&tid=cald&sid=1600684464&mid=220967

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least
they can find Afghanistan."
--- A. Whitney Brown
From: http://finance.messages.yahoo.com/bbs?.mm=FN&action=m&board=1600684464&tid=cald&sid=1600684464&mid=220967

Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
--- Unknown, presumed deceased
From: anonymous

A sympathetic Scot summed it all up very neatly in the remark,
'You should make a point of trying every experience once,
excepting incest and folk-dancing.'
From: anonymous

"Resolve to be tender with the young, compassionate with the aged,
sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant with the weak and the wrong.
Sometime in life you will have been all of these."
From: Anonymous

I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.
From: Jeff Merth

We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore,
is not an act but a habit.
From: http://science.slashdot.org/science/03/05/27/023252.shtml?tid=134

Moving to the metric system... inch by inch.
From: Alan Batie

Humanitarians help humans but vegitarians EAT vegatables!
From: http://www.promotionworld.com/informer/99feb9.html

But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that
all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they
laughed at Fulton, the laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also
laughed at Bozo the Clown.
From: "tAggArt"

"The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic
hallway where theives and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs.
There's also a negative side."
From: Jeff Loats

"There is no limit to what you can accomplish if you don't care who
gets the credit."
From: http://slashdot.org/articles/01/05/03/1953253.shtml

MBA's: Can't live with 'em. Can't legally torture them to death.
From: "Darkhop Sr."

It's a sin to believe evil of others, but it is seldom a mistake.
From: http://slashdot.org/askslashdot/01/04/06/181242.shtml

History does not repeat itself, it rhymes.
From: Allen Brown

Why isn't "phonetic" spelled with an "f"?
From: Martien Verbruggen

We are born naked, wet and hungry.
Then things get worse.
From: Vivek

You go insane if you go without sleep for too long.
And not in a good way, either.
From: Diane Wilson

It is neither possible nor necessary to educate people who never
question anything.
From: Frank Peters

"I can't give you brains, but I can give you a diploma."
From: LECalder

NINE out of TEN farm animals prefer that you eat more CHICKEN!!
From: Andre Engels

A child is not a glass that is filled but a fire that is set ablaze.
From: Mike Vaughn

A ship is safe in a harbor
But that is not what ships are built for.
From: Jonathan Stowe

You look lovely this evening. Have you decreased in mass?
From: Martien Verbruggen

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
From: Greg Bacon

The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who
have not got it.
From: Bernie Cosell

Too many people, too few sheep
From: Matthew Crosby

Disclaimer: It was another country, and besides, the wench is dead.
From: Michael J. Hammel

Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
From: Tom Wheeley

I know you're supposed to take life one day at a time -- but lately several
days have attacked me at once.
From: Jim

The problem with success is you become what you detest.
From: Tom Parsons

When looking back, usually I'm more sorry for the things
I didn't do than for the things I shouldn't have done.
From: Zathras

Get really stoned: drink wet concrete.
From: anon

Q: What does it mean when they fly the flag at half mast over
the post office?
A: They're hiring
From: David Thorburn-Gundlach

It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
From: Mark Crispin writes:

[Special memo to New Yawkahs: you live in the greatest place in the
world. You don't want to visit any place else, and you especially
don't want to move there. There is nothing outside but desolate
wilderness. Those places let people have guns, not like NYC where
everybody is safe. No need to go there. Stay home.
From: Dirk Nuyens

If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
From: Mark Donnelly

"I think so Brain, but if they called them sad meals, then
no one would buy them."
From: Allen Brown

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
From: Osma Ahvenlampi

Possessor of a mind not merely twisted but actually sprained.
From: Bob Richardson

Serenity through confinement.
From: Osma Ahvenlampi

Drilling for oil is boring.
From: Vivek

By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task
completely overwhelm you.
From: Marc Matteo

Web Engineer, The Sacramento Bee
http://www.sacbee.com
"We're a newspaper, we don't actually own any bees."
From: "C. Harald Koch"

"It takes a child to raze a village."
From: Dave Kovac

"To ensure peace of mind, ignore the rules and regulations."
From: "Dave (Grizz) Glaser"

There are very few personal problems that can't be fixed by an
adequate amount of high explosives.
From: anonymous

"I intend to live forever...
so far, so good."
From: Top Changwatchai

"I'm gonna live forever or die trying."
From: "Douglas E. Wegscheid"

A wrong note played hesitatingly is a wrong note. A wrong note played with
conviction is interpretation.
From: Vincent Lowe

"Birds rising in flight is a sign that the enemy is lying in ambush..."
From: Brad Murray

"Be very, very careful what you put into that
head, because you will never, ever get it out."
From: Corey

"The biggest cause of trouble in the world today is that
the stupid people are so sure about things and the
intelligent folks are so full of doubts."
From: The Corruptor

"EGO iS NotHinG wIthOuT ArrOgAncE tO BaCk iT uP..."
From: Martien Verbruggen

This matter is best disposed of from a great height, over water.
From: Ingmar Greil

If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something
to do with a shortage of flowers.
From: "spaceman"

"My dog's no purebred'" he muttered...
From: Rodger Donaldson

"If I want your opinion, I'll read your entrails."
From: Brian Haymore

"I can please only one person a day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow
isn't looking good either."
From: Dean Malandris

There is a certain species of fish where the parents eat their
young. I used to wonder as to why nature would produce something
so self-destructive and pointless. I would think, "how could the
parents eat the young that they have invested so much effort into
rearing?".

Now, looking at my two-year-old, I can sympathise with the parent
fish.
From: Justin Murdock

There is nothing a vulture hates more than a glass eye."
From: Philo

They laughed at Joan of Arc, but she
went right ahead and built it.
--- Gracie Allen
From: anonymous

"The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation
but not the power of speech."
--- George Bernard Shaw
From: David Barr

"Liberty means responsibility. That is why most men dread it."
From: Steven Gemelos

"I don't know if there are men on the moon, but
if there are, they must be using Earth as their lunatic asylum."
From: Joan Tine

"If we learn nothing else from history, we learn that we learn
NOTHING from history."
From: Joe Zeff

Shampoo for my true friends! True poo for my sham friends!
From: Ryan Tucker

On 31 Aug 1998 11:45:40 -0400, Paul Joslin spewed:
>Isn't "Postal Worker" much shorter?

Hey now, some of us actually ARE postal workers. Don't go tarnishing our
good name. You don't want to get us disgruntled. -rt (spreading tidings
of joy and barcodes to greater Milwaukee)
From: Marc Lewis

"Skiers on crutches and chickens on springs."
[whiffing sound of Gonzo arriving in a hurry]
"These are a few of my favorite things!"

From: Phil Hays

"Times fun when you are having flies".
From: Greg Fischer

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the
self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat
the purpose.
From: Paul Crittenden

Classified Ad:
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
From: Julie Prince

"My husband and I are trying to decide whether to get a dog or have
children. We can't decide if we want to ruin our rugs or ruin our lives."
From: Geoff Lane

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets.
From: Martien Verbruggen

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets
From: Martien Verbruggen

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
From: bill davidsen

"The action you see on fishing programs is something like the women
in _Playboy_. Not actually *fake*, but not remotely typical of the
average person's experience."
From: Rajappa Iyer

We're too busy mopping the floor to turn off the faucet.
From: Jim Shaffer, Jr.

A good traveller has no fixed plans and is not intent on arriving.
From: "Camillo Särs"

Aim for the impossible and you will achieve the improbable
From: Dave Williams

"A burro is an ass. A burrow is a hole in the ground. As a
journalist, you are expected to know the difference."
From: Garland Wesley W

I feel like my life is just a little
umop apisdn * upside down * umop apisdn
From: Ben Combee

...if the highlight of your day is prowling through signatures looking for
pithy quotes or neat phrases, then consider a career with the IRS or NSA...
From: Troy Williams

You might be a redneck if... You buy a police scanner to keep up
with your relatives."
From: Lionel Lauer

Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.
From: Felix von Leitner

Some painters transform the sun into a yellow spot; others transform a
yellow spot into the sun.
From: "Randall M. Clague"

"GPS is just another excuse for men not to ask for directions."
From: anonymous

+-------------------------------------------------+
The generation that took acid to escape reality | /| L|L /\
| is now taking antacids to deal with reality... | / \ / \ | \
+-------------------------------------------------+ DWACON@MSN.COM
From: Michael J. Hennebry

"and it is strange that so few young women are
interrested in launching cars with medieval seige weapons"
From: Roy Leonard

"Stress is when your mouth says 'No Problem' and your gut says 'NO WAY'"
From: John Wiltshire

"Before you argue with a fool ensure he is not similarly occupied"
From: Peter Haworth

Whenever someone says to me, "Have a nice day",
I reply, "Sorry, I've made other plans."

From: goldleaf

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he
gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.
From: John Gladu

"Don't have second thoughts - have a lobotomy - LobeTech!"TM
From: Al Gursin

Ogden's Law: The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
From: Art Hanley

My employer disavows any knowledge of my actions and
keeps hoping that I'll self-destruct in five seconds.
From: Jeff Fisher

An employer once said, -What if I train my people and they leave.-
I say, what if you don't train them..... and they stay..
From: Evan Kirshenbaum

"Revolution" has many definitions. From the looks of this, I'd say
"going around in circles" comes closest to applying...
From: Tom Christiansen

Vitamin C deficiency is apauling
From: Mike Heins

Few blame themselves until they have exhausted all other possibilities.
From: Teresa Baker

WALT DISNEY IS NOT DEAD!
He's in suspended animation.
From: George Allegrezza 01-May-1996 0836

"If you die, you lose a very important part of your life."
From: Henry C. Jones

What is a vasectomy?
Conversion from a utility to a sports model.
From: George Allegrezza 12-Oct-1995 1534

"$1.6 million! How can I get that money without working for Eisner?"
From: Rick Osborne

Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?
I think so Brain, but me and Pippi Longstocking... I mean, what would
the children look like?
From: anonymous

Federal jurisdiction over citizens is limited to disputes between
a state and a citizen of another state, citizens of different states.
A sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

A slipping sear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you
least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left
of your unit.
Sacred cows make the best hamburger. -- Mark Twain

When you come to a fork in the road, take it. -- Yogi Berra

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.
In practice, however, there is.
From: Alan Batie

Theory is when you understand everything but nothing works.
Practice is when everything works but you don't understand why.
In engineering we combine theory with practice: nothing works and no one
knows why.
From: George Allegrezza 07-Jul-1995 1355

"He has a perfect face for radio."
From: Ed Carp

"Past the wounds of childhood, past the fallen dreams and the broken
families, through the hurt and the loss and the agony only the night
ever hears, is a waiting soul. Patient, permanent, abundant, it
opens its infinite heart and asks only one thing of you ...
'Remember who it is you really are.'"
The mark of a good conspiracy theory is its untestability.
From: Lee Silverman

Someday we're going to look back on all this and tape over it.
From: "paul g. barnes"

From the I wish I had said it department:
You know how stupid the average person is? By definition, half are
even stupider.
From: Dave Metzger

Always keep an open mind, but not
so open that your brains fall out.
From: Peter Kretzman

"STUFF: Anything that can be used for homebrewing."
"JUNK: Everything else you thought could be used for homebrewing,
but can't."
From: Roger Southwick

"Given the choices of working hard running a business or working
hard for someone else, I'd rather go fishing".
From: Seth Golub

"..And in all of Babylonia there was wailing and gnashing of teeth,
till the prophets bade the multitudes get a grip on themselves and
shape up."
From: Ed - Sterrett

... TV Truth: Haunted houses are never locked.
From: Eugene Mah

"For I am a Bear of Very Little Brain, and long words bother me."
From: Kevin Kadow

S: Are you aiming for those people?
W: No.... maybe the mime.
From: Bob Nichols

"I never knew of anyone who, on his deathbed, said:
'I wish I had spent more time at the office.'"
From: Mike McNally

Nobody's going to listen to you if you just
stand there and flap your arms like a fish.
From: Derek Harding

The labyrinth of Ephebe is ancient and full of one hundred and one
amazing things you can do with hidden springs, razor-sharp knives,
and falling rocks.
From: roberto e russell

"2nd place is only the first loser!!!!"

"This is only temporary... unless it works."
"If there is a superior being at work here he either has a strange
sense of humor or way too much time on his hands"
From: Tom Christiansen

It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
From: Jason Costomiris

"There is a fine line between idiocy and genius. We aim to erase
that line."
From: Sean Ahern

I called the Census Bureau to see why they hadn't sent me a
form, and they said that I was too nondescript to influence the
demographics one way or another.
From: Liz Stokes

Hey! Where am I going?
And what am I doing in this handbasket?
From: Cha Minchul

May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a
Thousand Caramels.
From: Floydd

Be a better therapist and the world will beat a psychopath to
your door.
From: Michael Cook

"If you want to build a ship, don't drum up people together to
collect wood and don't assign them tasks and work, but rather
teach them to long for the endless immensity of the sea."
From: anonymous

"Love is a sickness invented by bank managers to make us overdrawn."
From: unknown

One of the things I like about this job is that I'm
never bothered by life-insurance salesmen.
From: PIETAN JAMES J

LAW OF COMBAT #1: Incoming fire has the right of way
#2: If the enemy's in range, so are you
#3: Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you
#4: Never forget that you weapon is made by the lowest bidder
#5: In case of emergency pull pin and throw the grenade
#6: If receiving incoming ... duck
#7: Never attract fire. It pisses off the people around you. Nick Sayer | Disclaimer: "Don't try this at home, | RIP: Mel Blanc
mrapple@quack.sac.ca.us | kids. This should only be done by | 1908-1989
N6QQQ [44.2.1.17] | trained, professional idiots." | May he never
209-952-5347 (Telebit) | --Plucky Duck | be silenced.
From: Jordan M Kossack
CorrectedBy: Curt Howland

"He scrapes his face like an Englishman! He doesn't want
to hide his pretty face behind a manly beard!"
The English throw children into pits with hungry wolves for entertainment.
Gee, they are civilized after all!
From: Fluffy the Wonder Bunny

========================= Fluffy the Wonder Bunny ===========================
Sex is not the answer, sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
=============================================================================
"Everyone's entitled to their half-witted opinions." --Barney Lawrence, Q.C.
=============================================================================
The U.S. has George Bush, Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Stevie Wonder.
Canada has Brian Mulroney, No Cash, No Hope...No Wonder.
=============================================================================
The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and
I wondered, "Where the FUCK is my ROOF ?!?"
================== cadesjardins@descartes.waterloo.edu ======================
From: David Smith

"In Managua, people are cheering in the streets, which are deserted."
From: Ron Baalke

Good judgement comes from experience.
Experience comes from bad judgement.
From: anonymous

Chaos rules the universe! Scientists call it entropy! Everything is
breaking down, tending towards greater and greater disorder! It's
great to be on the winning side!
From: drieux, just drieux

Entropy, Its not Just a Good Idea,
IT's The LAW!!!!!
From: Paul N. Cowley

If entropy is increasing,
where is it coming from?
From: Bob Morris

food (n) that which is eaten. To cows, grass.
To man, cows. To worms, man.
From: David Barr

"Peace: in international affairs, a period of
cheating between two periods of fighting."
From: Nico de Vries) [note country]

"I know my English spelling is bad, but if I used my " O O
"own language you probably couldn't read it at all. " |
From: lydia

"A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion,
butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet,
balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying,
take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations,
analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a
tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is
for insects."
From: Dark Elf (Jeeby!)

"Anything will burn with enough gasoline and dynamite."
From: HASTINGS DAMON TOD

"The meek shall inherit the Earth --
The rest of us will go to the stars."

"Anyone that does not have a basic understanding of mathematics is
merely a sub-human creature that has been taught not to make a mess
in the house."
From: HASTINGS DAMON TOD

Humans are just gametes' way of producing more gametes. This,
perhaps, is the purpose of the universe.
From: Dan Hartung

MOST DISTURBING FOLLOW-UP NEWS STORY:
"K-9 units are being used to search
for the body's still-missing arm."
From: Anthony J. Albert

"You seem a decent fellow, I hate to kill you."
"You seem a decent fellow, I hate to die."
From: Axello de Roestello

In the beginning the Universe was created.
This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded
as a bad move.
From: Henry Churchyard

"You know they've reintroduced the death penalty for insurance company
directors?" "Really?" said Arthur, "No, I didn't. For what offense?"
Trillian frowned. "What do you mean, offense?" "I see."
From: Grzegorz Nowakowski

`...this is the rock solid principle on which the whole of the
Corporation's Galaxy-wide success is founded - their fundamental
design flaws are completely hidden by their superficial design flaws.'
From: Matthew Farwell

It is no coincidence that in no known language does the phrase 'As
pretty as an Airport' appear.
From: Marilyn Pierce

Time is an Illusion, Lunch time, doubly so.
From: Bengt Oehman

`If you wanted a cup of cream and sugar, then why
did you say that you wanted a cup of coffee?'
From: Henrik St|rner

"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they
fly by."
From:

Opinions expressed herein must be yours, neither I nor my
employer have any.

When you're as great as I am it's hard to be modest,
but I succeed where others fail.
From: Crunchy Frog

"Watch out! This gun is loaded and so am I."
From:

"Hell must be isothermal; for otherwise the resident engineers and
physical chemists (of which there must be some) could set up a heat
engine to run a refrigerator to cool off a portion of their
surroundings to any desired temperature."
"Either you are part of the solution or you are part of
the precipitate."

"Consumer-grade religion does not encourage logical thinking."
This mind intentionally left blank.
From: Doug Mohney

"If I'm ever stuck on a broken spaceship, I hope I've got a couple of
NASA engineers and a case of duct tape aboard..."
From: Thomas J. Nugent

Let a smile be your umbrella, because you're going to get
soaked anyway.

Both the universe and human stupidity are infinite, and I'm not
sure about the former.
From: Bob Posert

When an eel bites your leg, and the pain makes you beg,
that's a moray!
From: Terry Chan

"Chasing bits of truth is like chasing butterflies:
pin them down and they die."
From: Harry Ugol

"Briarpatch household rule #2: If you can't laugh at yourself,
someone else is going to do it for you, and you're not going to
enjoy it nearly as much."
From: George Herson

Quick -- while there's still time -- dispatch your worthless $$$ to:
George "Easy Money" Herson 5312 Verano Place, Irvine CA 92715
george@brooks.ics.uci.edu voice: (714) 856-2174 fax: (714) 857-0424
From: atlantis!orstcs!rutgers!cs.utexas.edu!wupost!darwin.sura.net!gatech!hubcap!grimlok

"I don't know about your brain, but mine is really...bossy."
From: Lothie

Fave Bondage Quote: "No! Ouch! No! This time I REALLY mean it!"
Fave Bumpersticker: LICK it! SALT it! SUCK it! Maggie's Margaritas
From: Matthew T. Russotto

Your superior intellect is no match for our puny weapons! -- The Simpsons
Just say NO to police searches and seizures. Make them use force.
(not responsible for bodily harm resulting from following above advice)
From: David Wicks

"Oh, Spiteful One: Show me who to smite, and they shall be smoten!"
From: Ted Frank

"Dear Mr. President,
There are too many states. Please eliminate three. I am not a crackpot."
From: Smithrud

"I don't know why I did it,
I don't know why I enjoyed it,
and I don't know why I'll do it again."
From: Ken Hill

--------------------------------------------------------
Ken Hill | ________________ |
-------- | | n n n | |
KHILL@VAX1.UMKC.EDU | | X + Y != Z | () ... Ha, Ha, Ha |
| | ------------ | _/||\_ They'll never |
====================| | "Remarkable | || figure this out! |
Fermat was a | | Proof" | _/ \_ |
practical jokester| |________________| |
====================|________________________________________________________|
From: Tom Neff

"DO NOT, repeat, DO NOT blow the hatch!" /)\ Tom Neff
"Roger....hatch blown!" \(/ tneff@bfmny0.BFM.COM
From: Patrick L Humphrey

THE MEEK SHALL INHERIT THE EARTH!
(if that's all right with the rest of you...)
From: Pete Hardie

Digital Transmission Systems, Inc., Duluth GA
Member, DTS Dart Team
Position: Goalie
From: "Michael L. Kaufman"

I have found a proof for the assertion that for n>2 there exists
no a, b, and c such that a^n+b^n=c^n. Unfortunatly, this signature
is too small to contain it.
From: Edward C. Hook

"I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when you
looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated."
From: Robert Sheaffer

In article <1992Jan1.074634.1391@math.ucla.edu> barry@arnold.math.ucla.edu (Barry Merriman) writes:
>
>That was the headline one the lates "Weekly World News", along
>with a slightly suspicious looking photo.
>
This is a tabloid rag that *routinely* makes up stories, from whole
cloth. Some tabloids operate in this manner.

Others, however, including the National Enquirer, operate differently.
THEY don't make up the stories. Rather, they interview the people
who do.
From: Leslie Robert Lait

When the tornado sirens sound, meteorologists head for the roof;
atmospheric scientists head for the basement.
From: david kehoe

"Why my thoughts are my own, when they are in, but when they are out
they are another's."
From: Rodrick Su

I've got compassion running outta my nose, pal. I'm the sultan of sentiment.
From: Rajarshi Palchaudhuri

"Conan, what is best in life?"

"To crush your enemies, see them driven before you,
and hear the lamentations of their women."
From: David Fricker

"Of the seven dwarves, only Dopey had a shaven face. This should
tell us something about the custom of shaving."
From: Steve Chapin

Those two want to go to the zoo, too!
They're aware bears bare their hair there.
From: Karl Swartz

"The more people I meet the more I like my dog."
From: ~HIGH PERF~Michael A. Cooper~NA~G18~x8716~

Remember: Oprah spelled backwards is Harpo!
From: Gregory Berigan

"I'm Zaphod Beeblebrox, my father was Zaphod Beeblebrox the second, my
grandfather was Zaphod Beeblebrox the third..."
"What?"
"There was an accident with a contraceptive and a time machine."
From: Philip Rittenhouse

"Don't try to out weird me; I get stranger things than
you free with my breakfast cereal"
From: Joseph M. Newcomer

The Professor Of English stood before his class, and declaimed "Two
negatives can make a positive, but two positives can never make a
negative!"

From the back of the class, a student muttered, "Yeah, right!"
From: John Stracke

No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife between the shoulderblades
will seriously cramp his style.
From: {amdahl, sun, mtxinu, cbosgd}!rtech!daveb

Kill Tree. Kill Turkey. Merry Xmas.
From: David E Boyes

Being dead is less lonely than being alive in
only that you aren't awake to notice it.
From: Simon Travaglia

A new scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents
and making them see the light, but rather because its opponents
eventually die, and a new generation grows up that is familiar
with it.
From: Eric Salituro

Life is like a metaphor.
From: David R. Smith

"How would *you* like a job where, if you make a mistake,
a big red light goes on and 18,000 people boo?"
From: From Finger file

Obligatory Verse:

How I love to watch the morn,
With golden sun that shines,
Up above to nicely warm
These frosty toes of mine.
The wind doth taste of bittersweet,
Like jasper wine and sugar,
I bet it's blown through other's feet,
Like those of... Caspar Weinberger.
Obligatory Song Lyrics:

Religion and sex are powerplays, manipulate the people for the
money they pay, selling skin, selling god, the numbers look the
same on their credit cards. Politicians say no to drugs, while
we can pay for wars in South America. Fighting Fire with empty
words. While the banks get fat and the poor stay poor and the
rich get rich and the cops get paid. To look away. As the one
percent rules America.
Obligatory Quotes:
Religion
--------
"Your petitioners are Atheists and they define their ideas as
follows. An Atheist loves his fellow man instead of a god. An
Atheist knows that heaven is something for which we should work
now--here on earth--for all men together to enjoy. An Atheist
knows that he can get no help through prayer but that he must find
within himself the inner conviction and strength to meet life, to
grapple with it, to subdue it and to enjoy it. An Atheist knows
that only in a knowledge of himself and a knowledge of his fellow
man can he find the understanding that will help to a life of
fulfillment.
"An Atheist seeks to know himself then and his fellow rather than
to know a god. An Atheist understands that a hospital must be built
instead of a church. An Atheist knows that a deed must be done
instead of a prayer said. An Atheist strives for involvement in
life and not escape into death. He wants disease conquered,
poverty vanquished, war eliminated. He wants man to understand,
love and accept all of mankind. He wants an ethical way of life.
He knows that we cannot rely on a god, channel action into prayer,
or hope for an end to our troubles in a hereafter. He knows that
we are not only our brother's keepers--but keepers of our own
lives foremost, that we are responsible persons and that the job
is here and the time is now."

Censorship
----------
"I cannot convince myself that there is anyone so wise, so
universally comprehensive in his judgment, that he can be trusted
with the power to tell others: 'You shall not express yourself thus,
you shall not describe your own experiences; or depict the fantasies
which your mind has created; or laugh at what others set up as
respectable; or question old beliefs; or contradict the dogmas of
the church, of our society, our economic systems, and our political
orthodoxy.'"
War
---
"He who joyfully marches to music in rank and file has already
earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake,
since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice. This disgrace
to civilization should be done away with at once. Heroism at
command, senseless brutality, deplorable love-of-country stance,
how violently I hate all this, how despicable and ignoble war is;
I would rather be torn to shreds than be a part of so base an action!
It is my conviction that killing under the cloak of war is nothing
but an act of murder."
Politics & Philosophy
---------------------
"All I know is that I am not a Marxist"
"The philosophers have only interpreted the world in various ways,
the point is to change it"
"In short, members of the United States Congress enjoy more job
security than members of the Supreme Soviet."
"Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place
for a just man is also a prison."
"Good men must not obey the laws too well."
"A little rebellion now and then is a good thing"
"A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored
by little statesman and philosophers and divines. With consistency
a great soul has simply nothing to do."
"I have lived some [twenty] years on this planet, and I have yet
to hear the first syllable of value or even earnest advice from
my seniors."
"Whenever a man has cast a longing eye on them [public offices],
a rottenness begins in his conduct."
"Ah, these good, efficient, healthy-minded people, they always
remind me of those optimistic tadpoles who bask in a puddle in
the sun, in the shallowest of waters, crowding together and
amiably wriggling their tails, totally unaware that the next
morning the puddle will have dried up and left them stranded."
Penguins
--------
"I have often had the impression that, to penguins, man is just
another penguin--different, less predictable, occasionally violent,
but tolerable company when he sits still and minds his own business."
Misc
----
"Statistics are like bikinis--they show a lot, but hide the
important stuff."
"There are two major products which come out of Berkeley:
LSD and Unix. We do not believe this to be a coincidence."
"I hate quotations"
"Drugs don't take people, people take drugs"
From: Crunchy Frog

The opinions above are not mine. I stole them all from the person
sitting next to me. If you don't like them, I can get you his
address and you can kill him.
From: Mark Brader

It is one thing to praise discipline, and another to submit to it."
From: Jane Beckman

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
From: Karl P.

It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value.
From: Scott Bennett

"There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags don't wave in
a vacuum."
From: Geoffrey Warren Hicks

"You can have it good, cheap, or fast. Any two."
From: Daniel J. Carreira /ADVISOR Clay

The difference between a sufficiently advanced technology and magic
is indistinguishable.
From: Jonathan Allan

"The sum of intelligence on any one planet is constant;
the population is increasing."
From: dave boll

"The speed of time is 1 second per second"
From: Salamander~

The meek shall inherit the earth, and the wise keep moving on...
From: Cory Kempf

Never play Russian Roulette with a semi-automatic.
From: anonymous

Which is worse, ignorance or apathy? Who knows, who cares.
From: Alaric Morgan Kestrel

"For every problem, there exists a simple and elegant solution
which is absolutely wrong."
From: Stephen Friedl

"No job is too big; no fee is too big"
From: Jeffrey Paul Williams

"Only people with full stomachs become environmentalists"
From: Josh 'K' Hopkins

"Everything that can be invented has been invented"
From: John Will

Save the Whales. Collect the entire set!
From: Gilbert Nardo

Save the Universe: Stop Entropy Now!
From: Pine View Alumni, Florida

SAVE THE MANATEES!! If you don't know what one is, maybe you
can challenge one to an IQ test. I predict a manatee win.
From: Robert J Reid

= Astronomy Department ---------- Astronomical Instrumentation Facility ==
= Call an astronomer an astrologer and you're the one who'll see stars! ;^) ==
From: Pug

"Teachers are supposed to teach you *HOW* to learn
not *WHAT* to learn."
From: Matthew T Velazquez

"Crayolas are one of the few things the human race has in common."
From: anonymous

"Good ideas are not adopted automatically. They must be driven into
practice with courageous impatience."
From: Bill Higgins-- Beam Jockey

CAPTAIN BILL'S CHICAGO TOURS Bill Higgins
See the Loop by Submarine! Fermilab
Shopping? Take our convenient higgins@fnal.fnal.gov
Bathyscaphe to Marshall Field's! higgins@fnal.bitnet
From: "GVA::MLC"

"It's not what we don't know that hurts,
it's what we know that ain't so."
From: Tim Pierce

"Oh, God. My body's making milk. It's like one day discovering
you can get bacon from your elbow."
From: Julian E. Gomez

"We must grasp the bull by the tail, and look the matter squarely
in the face!"
From: Solly Ezekiel

"Asps!! Very dangerous.
...You go first."
From: anonymous

Genius does what it must,
Talent does what it can.
From: Geoff Allen

Please remain seated and keep your hands and arms
above your head at all times. Enjoy your ride.
From: Tom Smith

What do you mean I don't pay my bills,
Why do you think I'm broke!...
From: David Shepherd

"I speak latin to god,
spanish to men,
french to women
and german to my horse."
From: boyd johnson

OBJoke: What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.
From: Arnold E. Nordeng

"The question seems to be of such a character that if I should come
to life after my death and some mathematician were to tell me that
it had been definitely settled, I think I would immediately drop
dead again."
From: Ron Baalke

Pound for pound, grasshoppers are 3 times as nutritious as beef.
From: anonymous

"Wisdom is the quality that keeps you from getting into
situations where you need it."
From: Gary Lorman

"Any shark that gets to be 11 or 12 feet long with
300 big teeth can be considered dangerous"
From: anonymous

"Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocrities."
From: Longshot

"Imagination is more important than Knowledge."
From: SeaWolf

"I regard it as the cheif duty of the state to protect the
individual and give him the opportunity to develop into a creative
personality; that is to say; the state should be our servant and
not we its slaves."
From: Thorfinn

Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it
is an enemy.
From: Gisle Benediktsson

+ . . . *

"I don't pretend to understand the * . . . .
universe. It is much bigger than . . . + *
I am." . . + . +
* . . . . . .
-Einstein . + * +
. . + . * .
* .. . . * .. . +
. . . + * . gjb@teal.csn.org
From: http://finance.messages.yahoo.com/bbs?.mm=FN&action=m&board=1600684464&tid=cald&sid=1600684464&mid=220967

"Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress...
But I repeat myself."
--- Mark Twain
From: anonymous

Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is
the lightning that does all the work.
From: David Zavatson

Beware of health books, you might die of a misprint.
From: John P. Gloria

"You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus."
From: William T

Prohibition only drives drunkenness behind doors and into dark places
and does not cure or even diminish it.
From: Anselm Lingnau

If man could be crossed with the cat, it would
improve man but deteriorate the cat.
From: Paul Joslin

The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that
will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.
From: RoundUp

"I was afraid of a united Church; it makes a mighty power,
the mightiest conceivable, and then when it by-and-by
gets into selfish hands, as it is always bound to do,
it means death to human liberty, and paralysis to human thought"
From: Jason Fagone

"I do not like work, even when somebody else is doing it."
From: Matthias Urlichs

God made an idiot for practice, and then He made a school board.
From: Rob Chauncey

"Did you know that a cow was *MURDERED* to make that jacket?"
"Yes. I didn't think there were any witnesses, so I guess
I'll have to kill you too."
From: Dan Carpenter

We came into this world with nothing, leave this world with nothing,
It's a wonder we break even.
From: The FASS Theatre Company

Due to financial considerations the light at the end of the
tunnel has been switched off. We are sorry for the inconvenience.
From: Bryan D. Jones

Only The Insane Have the Strength to Prosper. Only those who
Prosper Truely Judge What is Sane.
From: anonymous

The juvenile sea squirt wanders through the sea searching for a
suitable rock or hunk of coral to cling to and make its home for
life. For this task, it has a rudimentary nervous system. When
it finds its spot and takes root, it doesn't need its brain anymore
so it eats it! (It's rather like getting tenure.)"
From: The_Doge

"Act like a dumbshit and they'll treat you like an EQUAL!"
From: MacPhil

When ambidextrous people can't do it right, we do it left.
From: Jay Maynard

"[...] have you noticed how many people have joined you on the back of
Rosinante to help subdue this particular windmill?"
From: Marc VanHeyningen

A good rule of thumb to keep in mind is that anything that calls
itself `science' probably isn't.
From: Dave O'Shea

Beware of strong drink; it can make you shoot at tax collectors -
and miss.
55: It's not a good idea, It's just the law.
From: Jim Davis

"He went through more love songs than a fifteen story elevator ride."
From: Robert Lynch

"Lead me not into temptation.....
.....I have enough problems already."
From: snopes

Just when my ant farm started showing a profit,
an ant bank foreclosed on it.
From: Harold G. Andrews II

Support DAM...
Mothers Against Dyslexia
From: anonymous

Americans are a broad-minded people. They'll accept the fact that a person
can be an alcoholic, a dope fiend, a wife-beater, and even a newspaperman,
but if a man doesn't drive there's something wrong with him.
From: philip hodder

"It's another one of those irregular verbs, isn't it?:
I give confidential press briefings,
You leak,
He gets charged under Section 2(a) of the Official Secrets Act!"

Bernard Woolley in "Yes, Prime Minister"
From: Averell Sherker

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception"
From: Michael D. Adams

If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much...
just an occasional sun visor.
From: Curt R Lindmark

"Sex can be messy, but only if it's done right."
From: Chris Vale

"Outside a dog, a book is mans best freind
Inside a dog, it's too dark to read"
From: Saurav Chatterjee

"I'm on a five year plan - BA, MBA, BMW"
From: StarWatcher

"To spend too much time in studies is sloth."
From: Peter Johansson

"There is no excellent beauty that hath not some strangeness
in the proportion."
From: Kelly Alexander

"Yes, you can carry your AK-47 on the streets, fully loaded. We do
ask that you don't put a round in the pipe, for safty reasons only."
From: Jamie Paul CURMI

*** Mutate NOW - avoid the rush! ***
From: Kim Greer -- rjj

"You can play on words or on the freeway - just get out of the house"
From: Montykins

"Windle shook his head sadly. Five exclamation marks, the sure
sign of an insane mind."
From: Andy Holyer

"In the beginning, there was nothing, which exploded."
From: Ross Smith

His philosophy was a mixture of three famous schools -- the Cynics,
the Stoics and the Epicureans -- and summed up all three of them
in his famous phrase, `You can't trust any bugger further than
you can throw him, and there's nothing you can do about it,
so let's have a drink.'
From: Daniel Barlow

"He'd never wanted much, except perhaps to be left alone and
not woken up until midday."
From: Jorrit Tyberghein

For animals, the entire universe has been neatly divided into
things to (a) mate with, (b) eat, (c) run away from, and (d) rocks.
From: Jeremy Smith

I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that... well, yes I can!
From: anonymous

I always said I wanted to be someone --
I guess I should've been more specific.
From: The Edible Dormouse

The opinions expressed above are not necessarily those of any
person living, dead, undead or the subject of a Schrodinger's
cat experiment. They may or may not be my own.
From: John Roberts

Dolphin researcher:
"Matthews - we're getting another one of those strange
'aw blah es span yol' sounds."
From: J. Zufi

"A winner never quits; a quitter never wins"
From: Bill Higgins-- Beam Jockey

Every so often, Innumeracy strikes. Out of all Americans, a lot suffer
from it. But we can win the fight against Innumeracy with your help.
All it takes is a few pennies a day.
From: Bruce Watson

"Another Case of too many scientists and not enough hunchbacks."
From: Thomas E. Smith [LORAL]

The opinions stated here in no way reflect
the opinions of the
Galactic Hyperspace Planning Council.
From: Elf Sternberg

I have looked into the abyss, and the abyss has looked into me.
Neither liked what we saw.
From: Elf Sternberg

"Mr. Sternberg, you should never again attempt to write anything in
the English language. It is clearly not your native tongue."
From: Cal Jewell

"Lawyers should never marry other lawyers. This is called inbreeding,
from which comes idiot children and more lawyers."
From: Jonathan Eifrig

"Just as landowners preserve the game they are going to kill during
hunting season, so do the lawyers preserve the criminal class."
From: Stephen Friedl

Attorneys are paranoid because they assume everybody else is
dishonest too.
From: "Stephen H. Underwood"

"It's a control freak thing. I wouldn't let you understand."
From: Gabe M Wiener

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously
considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently
of no value to us."
From: Marshal "Airborne" Perlman

If you are unable to read, call 1-800-LEARN-TO-READ...
From: The_Doge

"Good taste is the worst vice ever invented."
From: Craig "Powderkeg" DeForest

"So, if you guys make a living looking at the SUN, why do you spend
so much time at the SYNCHROTRON, working UNDERGROUND at NIGHT?"
From: Kevin L. McBride

Kevin "Hey! Who peed in the gene pool?"
From: Geoff Allen

[If it weren't for kids,] we'd all live in a quiet house, without
Big Bird or Mickey Mouse, or Kool-Aid on the couch.
Thank God for kids.
From: Thomas Gunter

There are three types of people in the world:
those who are good at math and those who aren't.
From: Bobby Haaser

"Your superior intellect
is no match for our puny weapons!!!!!!!!!!" Aliens:Simpsons

"If there's not something wrong with ME, then
there's something wrong with the UNIVERSE. " Dr Crusher:STTNG

"Where there's a WAVE, There's a Coke. T#sah $%" Max Hedroom

"You know... Mistletoe is deadly if you eat it." Batman: Batman II
From: Tom Nugent

"To be average scares the hell out of me." -- Anonymous
From: J Snyder

If we took the bones out, it wouldn't be crunchy, would it?
From: anonymous

Sheep do not so much fly as plummet!
From: John Grossi

Always store beer in a dark place.
Moderation is for monks.
Women need no excuse.
From: Top Changwatchai

This is only tangentially related, but in Cecil Adams'
_Straight_Dope_ column he mentions various spellings for
Moammar Gadhafi's name, as found in assorted publications:

First name: Muammer, Moammar, Muammar
Last name: Qaddhafi, Qaddafi, Gaddafi, Kaddafi, Khadafy, Qadhafi,
Qadaffi, Gadaffi, Qathafi, Gadaafi, and, in Adams' words,

"...the Library of Congress and the Middle East Studies Association,
to whom one would ordinarily look for guidance, have an unaccountable
fondness for Qadhdhafi, which is an abomination unto God."
From: Anita Kilgour

Show me somebody who is always smiling, always cheerful, always
optimistic, and I will show you somebody who hasn't the faintest idea
what the heck is really going on.
From: Anthony Lovell

If at first you don't succeed
Get a Bigger Hammer
From: Jim Jagielski

"This is supposed to be a happy occasion.
Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who."
From: Scott E. Farleigh

Parachute Rigger's motto: We bury our mistakes.
From: jack hagerty

"I, like all men, have never grown up. Other men lie and say they
have. I refuse to lie. I try to be a creative child, using my
immaturity in such ways as benefit my society rather than harm it."
From: Kateri/Mary Anne

We cannot tell the precise moment when friendship is formed. As in
filling a vessel drop by drop, there is at last a drop which makes it
run over, so in a series of kindnesses there is at last one which
makes the heart run over.
From: dks

It's not the bullet that kills you: it's the hole.
From: Timothy W. Lynch

"There is absolutely no cannibalism in the British Navy.
And when I say none, I mean of course only a certain amount."
From: Michael A. Cornell

"There are a great many people in the country today who,
through no fault of their own, are sane."
From: Phil Ross

... If at first you don't succeed, redefine success ...
From: Morten Christian Holmgreen

"Human errors can only be avoided if one can avoid the use of humans"
From: Marc Unangst

"There are two ways to solve this problem: the hard way, and the
easy way. Let's start with the hard way."
From: JeffZ

"A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for."
From: Jeff Dubin

"I hate people... people make me pro-nuclear"
From: Rafal Kustra (summer student)

"Numbers exist only in our minds. There is no physical entity that
that _is_ number 1. If there were, 1 would be in a place of honor
in some great museum of science, and past it would file a
steady stream of mathematicians gazing at 1 in wonder and awe."
From: Ron Baalke

Quiet people aren't the only ones who don't say much.
From: The One and Only

Give a man a fish and he eats for a night.
Give a man a gun and he will take care of himself.
From: John R. Levine

PS: This may have been the same year the phone book had science
facts for filler. My favorite was "Although the moon is smaller
than the earth, it is also farther away."
From: Scott Cunningham

We're the NSA
So you're the ones I hear on the other end of my phone
No, that's the FBI
From: Ron Baalke

Einstein's brain is stored in a mason jar in a lab in Wichita, Kansas.
From: Jim Wilson

Everybody complains of his memory, and nobody complains of his
judgement.
From: Dennis Bednarek Mfg 4-6971

UP TIGHT
OUT OF SIGHT
EVERY THING IS ALL RIGHT
From: Ed J. Gurney

"Failures are divided into two classes-- those who thought and
never did, and those who did and never thought."
From: Mark 'Henry' Komarinski

Remember: 7 out of 10 people make up 70% of the popualtion
From: Gary Thurman

"We came...We saw...We kicked some ASH!"
From: Hugh Johnson

"I drank what?"
From: Patrick Chester

"The earth is too fragile a basket in which to keep all your eggs."
"The meek shall inherit the earth. The rest of us are going to
the stars."
From: Shark

"My doctor says that I have a malformed public duty gland and a
natural deficiency in moral fiber," he muttered to himself,
"and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes."
From: Mark Ira Kaufman

"One can be a racist. Or one can be a human being. But one
may not be both."
From: Daniel Blum

"Now for a real treat, I'll show you how to clean and gut a typical
FRAT BOY! First, remove the 'Corona' tank top..."
From: Matt Welsh

"Yow!! Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL!"
From: Joe Lindsay

Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.
Open flies like a zipper.
From: Doug Franklin

. OLX 2.1 TD . ..... We're lost but we're making good time. .....
From: bernie wong

... A naked man fears no pickpocket...
From: Daniel Starr

"Wait! Wait! Maybe THIS will work!"
From: Brenda Molina

"What do I have to do to convince you people that I'm human?"
"Die."
From: Iain Odlin

A day without sunshine is like... night?
From: SUBRAMANIAM

Great minds discuss ideas
Average minds discuss events
Small minds discuss people

Ingenuity lies in making complex things simple.
From: An Erik Estrada hate monger

"Come on, Dutch. You blow away a broad's date,
the least you can do is drive her home."
From: Jeff "Koganuts" Koga

"You're not the man I knew ten years ago."
"It's not the years, honey. It's the mileage."
From: Lipton Ann Meredith

I don't bite, you know.
Unless it's called for.
Find me and turn thy back on heaven.
It is better to have loved and lost
than to have your finger caught in a blender.
From: Cory L. Kerens

"Well," the Goddess said, "your heart didn't heal straight the last
time it broke. So we'll break it again and reset it so it heals
straight this time."
From: Randy Epstein

DRIVE CAREFULLY:
90% of the people in the world are caused by accident.
From: Jonathan E. Quist

There are many things a person should experience in a lifetime.
Among them are an infant's first cry, and an infant's first laugh.
From: anonymous

"To stay young requires the unceasing ability to unlearn
old falsehoods."
From: Bill Taylor

Galaxies - results of chaotic amplification of quantum events in
the big bang.
Free will- the result of chaotic amplification of quantum events
in the brain.
From: Gregory N. Bond

"There is Faith, Hope and Charity.
But greater than these is Banking."
From: Gregory N. Bond

Josh> Did you know that fully _half_ of all babies are born within
Josh> one week of a full Moon! No kidding.

And what is worse, half of those babies born within a week of a full
moon have below-average intelligence!

Obviously, the radiation from the alien artifact that is holding the
moon up is affecting them.
From: anonymous

"She wrapped herself in an enigma;
there was no other way to keep warm."
From: Stephanie

"I am a typed director. If I made 'Cinderella', the audience would
immediately be looking for a body in the coach."
From: beth diane garfinkel

"This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays."
From: Bird Rendell H.

"I am getting pretty fond of you, kid.... *Not* that I am ready to
pick-out curtains or anything, you know"
From: Allen W. Sherzer

"A great man is one who does nothing but leaves nothing undone"
From: Alan Whitton

Three Phrases To Live By: "Cover for me"; "Oooh, good idea, boss!";
"It was like that when I got here."
From: Ken Mayer

If you want it yesterday you've got to give me at least a
week's notice.
From: Benjamin E Delfin

"I am not open-minded. Some of my best friends are bigots!" - me

Take only pictures, steal only time, leave only footprints. - unknown
From: Matt Hucke

"In brightest day, in blackest night no evil shall escape my sight.
Let those who worship evil's might beware my power, Green
Lantern's light!"
From: Russell Michael VanTassell

Is a juggler just a talented individual...
or a schizophrenic playing catch...
From: Greg Ostravich

Member of The Colorado Throwing Up Society: A Denver area juggling club
Throw up 'till you drop! Hurl 'till you hurl!
Juggle 'till you puke! Come throw up with us!
From: Jeff Parker

"If I haven't seen as far as others, it's because I'm standing on the
shoulders of midgets."
From: Dan Blum

"It's nothing, honey - the dog's learning how to juggle."
From: Chocolate Flavored Clorox

"Since we're sharing personal habits, I empty my electic razor into
the toilet, where each whisker, statically charged, repels the other
whiskers and creates a nice pattern which I enjoy viewing."
From: Elmo the Stunt Elk

"Suicide is a belated acquiescence in the opinions of one's wife's
relatives."
From: Allen Brown

A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.
From: Ray, just Ray

"they say Confucius does his crossword with a pen"
From: Stein Kulseth

'When murders are committed by mathematics, they can be solved by
mathematics. Most of them aren't, and this one wasn't'
From: Chris Richmond

This crazy is a world place. My think losing I'm mind.
From: Norman Richards

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -
I chose to climb the nearest tree.
And that has made all the difference."
From: Brian Brown

Old Computer People never die, they just go to bits, lose their
memory, and cache in their chips. Old Mathematicians never die,
they just disintegrate.

Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.
From: Cory L. Kerens

"Now I try to learn to call you my ex-lover,
But how do you ex-love someone?"
From: Paul A. Poklepovic

"A paranoid schitzophrenic outnumbers his enemies at least two to one"
From: anonymous

This life is only a test. If this had been a real life you would have
been told where to go and what to do. This has been a test of the
Emergency Life System
From: Ronal Thompson

and remember, what you think of me is none of my business
From: Andy Barnhart

"A mind that is stretched to a new idea never returns to
its original dimensions"
From: Ben Hambidge

Bread is the staff of life; Toast is a decadent capitalist luxury.

Smile they said, life could be worse.
So I did, and it was.
From: anonymous

Due to additional budget constraints, the light at the end of the
tunnel will be turned off until further notice...
From: Serge Pontejos

"There is nothing so deep as the ocean
There is nothing so high as the sky
And there is nothing unwavering as a woman
When she's already made up her mind"
From: Yamanari

"The waste.. The waste sometimes brings tears to my eyes. Just the
thought that all of those animals are being put into garbage bags
and thrown in lakes or dumpsters when they could be gloves or shoe
laces, or feeding the homeless."
(kill file suggestion: "/ :rsrodger/h :j")
From: Peter W. De Bonte

Work hard and prosper

"Knolege is powef, Speling is unimportnt"
From: soc1070

A skunk is better company than someone who prides themselves
on being frank.
From: Greg Holley

"My tale is so strange that, were it written with needles on the
interior corner of an eye, yet would it prove a lesson to the
circumspect."
From: Gothick

"Great. I'm a million miles from home, about to be killed, with a
gung-ho iguana who tells me to relax"
From: Peter Loron

Before the invention of eruptions, lava had to be carried down the
mountain by hand and thrown on the sleeping villagers. This took
a lot of time.
From: "S.K. Whiteman"

You know trouble when your dogma attacks your sacred cows....
From: Rick Emerson

"When you ski, you dance with the mountain --
and the mountain always leads."
From: Bill Buckley

"Eat right, sleep tight, get goodly excercise and life's full
splendor will poke you in the eyes."
From: Dante Alighieri

Dear Dad: Hate you, eloping with Mom. Taking your cigars
and sports car. -- Love, Sigmund
From: Christopher Browne

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not
thus handicapped.
From: Robert Lewis Glendenning

"Perspective is worth 80 IQ points."
From: Mark A. Horton KA4YBR

We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which
divides us is whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being
correct. My own feeling is that it is not crazy enough.
From: Ben Fulton

"Every jumbled pile of person has a thinking part that wonders
what the part that isn't thinking isn't thinking of"
From: Edward M. Averett

a kinder, gentler, vorpal bunny
From: Archer Sully

You are a good man, but you are in the wrong place and
you are going to die a horrible death.
From: Jay Maynard

"Support your local medical examiner - die strangely."
From: Rico

"I've been a chief executive for something for 15 years and now
that I have some time to myself, I realize working is overrated."
From: "Tim Triemstra"

"I'm not responsible for the things I've typed.
After all, my fingers aren't connected to my head!
From: Szymon Rusinkiewicz

For a good prime call:
391581 * 2^216193 - 1
From: Ron Baalke

It's kind of fun to do the impossible.
From: Chris Rende

"I don't ever remember forgetting anything."
From: Ronnie B. Kon

"You couldn't deny that, even if you used both hands"
From: anonymous

"Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his
second wife to his success."
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you
take it out, you lose interest."
From: Christopher J. Hawley

.... somewhere in the spectrum between Real Love and a free lunch.
From: Joseph Alotta

"The main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing."
From: David Sternlight

Great care has been taken to ensure the accuracy of
our information, errors and omissions excepted.
From: Grand Moff Tarkin

"Fear will keep the local systems in line, fear of this
battle station."
From: John English

Fudd's first law of opposition:
If you push something hard enough, it *will* fall over.
Testlicle's deviant to Fudd's law:
What goes in, must come out.
From: John M. Sully

"Life has a way of destroying our sense of childsplay. But under my
wing you'll be back in the pink, drunk without a drink."
From: Allen Brown

Never underestimate the animosity of an inanimate object.
From: Theoharis Mihailidis

Please to meet you, hope you guess my name
From: Ron Baalke

Economists are people who are good with numbers, but don't
have the personality to be accountants.

From: Russell J. Pagenkopf

"Out there. Thataway."
"A most logical choice, Captain."
From: Patrick Chester

|If the Earth is our Cradle, then why are we still here?
From: Maxine Wesley

I believe we are all the same - just some are far better equipped.
From: anonymous

...Development of the space station is as inevitable as the
rising of the sun.
From: Richard Bielak

"When I don't know what I'm doing, I'm doing basic research."
From: Paul Kolenbrander

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the
only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
From: Henry Spencer

"All I really want is a rich uncle."
From: Ron Baalke

Being cynical never helps to correct the
situation and causes more aggravation instead.
From: Cynthia L. Jorden

Everything was mute and calm; everything gray. The sky seemed a
gray surtout. Flights of troubled gray fowl, with fights of
troubled gray vapors skimmed low over the waters. Shadows present,
foreshadowing deeper shadows to come.
From: David Hill

"I think prejudice is stupid, because there are so many reasons
to hate people on an individual basis."
From: Bruce Thompson

"A great many people think they are thinking when
they are merely rearranging their prejudices."
From: Geoff Allen
(This was in rec.roller-coaster)


............
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
From: Eric Griswold
(This was in rec.roller-coaster)

"Keep your arms and legs attached to your torso at all times."
From: Bob Stettina

... Life is like... an analogy! Yeah! That's the ticket!
From: Andrew B Stellman
Newsgroups: rec.juggling

"Remember, if we screw up, it's still a lot better than you could do."
          --- Rick Rubenstein
From: Randal L. Schwartz

"Welcome to Portland, Oregon ... home of the California Raisins!"
From: Roger D Binns

'When can we hope to leave?' 'You can hope anytime Mr Taylor ...'
          --- Beneath the Planet of the Apes
From: Ron "Asbestos" Dippold

I've left my body to science - and science is contesting the will.
From: Michelle Fiera

"For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism"
          --- Author unknown
From: B R Stragnell

"If you prick us, do we not bleed?
If you flick our ears, do we not go 'Ow! Ow! My ears!?'"
From: anonymous

"[The Space Shuttle Orbiter, Columbia,] OV-102 is affectionately
known as 'The Penguin', a name it earned during the leak
investigation. Definition: Penguin - A black & white flightless
bird."
          --- Ken Hollis,
          HOLLIS@TITAN.KSC.NASA.GOV, in sci.space.shuttle
From: Wraithe
"You go RIGHT ahead and represent the shiny, happy people.
I represent the angry, gun-toting, meat-eating people!"
          --- Denis Leary
From: The Keymaster

Life is an adventure to be lived, not a problem to be solved.
From: David Giller

Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to replace the bulb, and two to fend off all the
Californians trying to share the experience.
          --- opus@oxy.edu
From: Erik Troan

When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into
the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
          --- Woody Allen
From: George Allegrezza 09-Nov-1993 0717

"There's nothing wrong with him that can't be
fixed with some Prozac and a polo mallet."
          --- Woody Allen, "Manhattan Murder Mystery"
From: Winston Brown

Always borrow money from a pessimist;
he doesn't expect to be paid back.
From: dave budd

"The importance of bluffing lies not in the actual play, played
against a good player, but in the protection it provides against
the opponent's potential deviations from the good strategy."
          --- Von Neumann & Morgenstern
From: Michael Reed

"Perfect paranoia is perfect awareness."
From: Mel Beckman

"You can observe a lot just by watching."
          --- Yogi Berra
From: Joel Siegfried

"Never make predictions, especially not about the future."
          --- Yogi Berra
From: douglas craig holland

Proud member of:
Mathematicians Against Drunk Deriving
From: Germano Caronni

Instruments register only through things they're designed to register.
Space still contains infinite unknowns.
From: Sharon Crichton

I fought the lawn
and the lawn won.
From: MCMILLEN David Ross

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work;
I want to achieve immortality through not dying."
          --- W. Allen
From: Tom Fitzgerald

"I went to the universe today;
It was closed...."
From: Gary Thompson

Hanlon's Razor:
"Never attribute to malice that which can
be adequately explained by stupidity."
From: David Simmons

"Quod erat demonstrandum, baby.
(ooh you speak French)"
          --- Thomas Dolby "Airhead"
From: Peter Krijnen

Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog.
Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog.
Sigh!
There's so little hope for advancement.
          --- Snoopy
From: Lee Levine

Or you might try calling the U.S. Naval Observatory in San Diego.
(Bellybutton observatory??? :) )
From: John Clear

"Aviation is proof, that given the will,
we have the capacity to achieve the impossible."
          --- Eddie Rickenbacker
From: George Allegrezza 04-May-1993 1247

"I don't deserve to be treated like this. I'm human, ain't I?"
          --- Hope
"Well, there've been some complaints."
          --- Crosby
From: Thomas Slager

Little pieces of me keep breaking off,
It hurts--but I am getting lighter.....
From: Simon Storry

`Nothing's really a problem...
if you've got a big enough hammer!'
From: You'll put an eye out! 21-May-1993 1536

"She doesn't know you're not normal."
          --- my wife, about our 19-month-old daughter
From: Michael D. Adams

Reservations are the condoms in the birth of new ideas.
          --- Twiggy Rathbone
From: "Dave Hastings, OUCS"

"The technical axiom that nothing is impossible sinisterly conditions
one to the pitfall corollary that nothing is ridiculous"
From: Bruce d. Scott

The deadliest bullshit is odorless and transparent
          --- W Gibson
From: Jayasooriah

"We buy junk and sell antiques."
From: David Sternlight

They came for the murderers and I said nothing. They came for the
theives and I said nothing. They came for the gypsies and I
raised my voice.
From: Stan Brown

A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometers.
It hit me like 907 kilograms of bricks.
Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.
From: Jason Wright

There's more than one way to kill a cat...
I need another cat.
From: Peter Orum

The opinions expressed are those of my wife, aren't they dear.
From: Michael Robert Williams

"If you ever have a world of your own, plan ahead - don't eat it."
          --- ST:TNG
From: Stupendous Man

"There's nothing so passionate as a vested interest disguised as an
intellectual conviction."
          --- Sean O'Casey in _The White Plague_ by Frank Herbert.
From: Clay Irving

See the happy moron,
He doesn't give a damn,
I wish I were a moron,
My God! perhaps I am!
From: J.B. the Frog!

"A *kiss* is that little rosy dot over the "i" of Loving"
          --- Cyrano de Bergerac
From: Jeff Hupp

"To the stars. A planet is not a good place to run an
industral society."
From: Frederick Roeber

Paranoid is smart when they're out to get you.
From: Henry Bloomfield

All hearts are different, but everyone has black hair
          --- Indonesian proverb
From: anonymous

Let others share your toys, my son.
Do not insist on all the fun
For if you do, it's certain that
You'll grow to be an adult brat.
From: Bill Riemers

"Yeti! Saw them in the London Underground twenty years ago. Ghosts!
A headless woman used to walk through my bedroom at midnight.
Mermaids? Grandpa was rescued from the Marie Celeste by one.
Vampires? I always wondered where my dad went to at night.
Telepathy? Right now you're thinking that I'm talking crap.
So what can you tell me that I won't believe in?"
          --- Andrew Hunt, "CAT'S CRADLE: WITCH MARK"
From: Melissa Preston

I am Woman, hear me Roa... oh, sorry, was I interrupting...
no no, it wasn't important... no, really; it's fine.
From: Howard Stateman

"I have the heart of a little child, and the brain of a genius
          --- and I keep them in a jar under my bed"
From: Jim Burke

"Life is uncertain - eat dessert first!"
From: Jeff Makey

Department of Tautological Pleonasms and Superfluous
Redundancies Department
From: The Wizard of PoI Stephen R. Coates

Is it Saturday yet? Holes in the knee, punctured gums, sore finger
tips, missing pieces, and worlds borne from piles to palaces.
Ah, the joy and comfort of Lego.
From: Captain Dun'sl

A crayon can take you to more places than a Starship can.
          --- Guinan
From: anonymous

Gary Coffman KE4ZV | You make it,
Destructive Testing Systems | we break it.
534 Shannon Way | Guaranteed!
Lawrenceville, GA 30244 |
From: Kevin J. Duling

WARNING: Scientists are known to cause cancer in certain
laboratory animals.
From: Michael D. Maxfield

I'd rather get my cable service from the phone company,
than my phone service from the cable company.
From: Trijntje (Trink) Downes

"You may be right, Pythagoras, but everybody's going
to laugh if you call it a 'hypotenuse'."
From: Ghostrider

Do not go where the path may lead. Go instead
where there is no path so others may follow.
From: Jim Kissel

Have you noticed that no one talks about Pavlov's cat?
From: Allen Brown

Anyone can make something work.
But it takes an engineer to make it *barely* work.
From: Alex Ramos

"This article comes with no warranty of suitability for any specific
purpose, including, but not limited to, a passing grade in
Freshman Writing."
From: Jeremy McDermond

Scott's first Law:
No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
From: Greykell Dutton
Newsgroups: alt.toys.lego

Mom to Kat, Nik, and Aly
Proud owner of a 3'x2'x5' toy box filled to the brim with Legos.
When my kids get older, I may even let them play with them. hucke@ux1.cso.uiuc.edu WWIVNet 1@2750 WWIVLink 1@12754 Fido 1:233/14

Proud member of P.E.T.A. - People for Eating Tasty Animals
From: Gabe M Wiener

Sound engineering, recording, and digital mastering for classical music

"I am terrified at the thought that so much hideous and bad music
will be put on records forever."
          --- Sir Arthur Sullivan
From: Rao Akella

"What no wife of a writer can ever understand is that a
writer is working when he's staring out of the window."
          --- Burton Rascoe
From: Uppie

"The secret to good teaching is sincerity. As soon
as you learn to fake that, you've got it made."
From: Charlie Gibbs

Honk if your horn is broken.
From: anonymous

.---------.---------------------------------------------------------.
| (__) | |
| w \@@/ | Daemons do it with pointers. }:-) |
| `/v/-e | Creamed honey, it's not a job, it's an adventure. |
| _/ \_ | Life sucks, and then you're a vampire. |
._________._________________________________________________________.
From: Ron Baalke

Common sense is not very common.
From: Scott Coleman

"An Irishman is never drunk as long as he can hold onto one blade
of grass and not fall off the face of the earth."
From: Steamed Rhubarb Fondue

"It's 106 miles to Chicago; we've got a full tank of gas, half a pack
of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses." "Hit it."
          --- The Blues Brothers
From: Amos Shapira

"It is true that power corrupts,
but absolute power is better!"
          --- the Demon to his son
From: jeffrey imes

"If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you."
          --- Unknown
From: Alan Smith

"But if it's in the paper it must be true!"
          --- Dudley DoRight
From: Bob Westall

"I'm so confused"
          --- Bullwinkle
From: Sean Reifschneider

Rocky: "They're going to rob the bank! You know what we have to do..."
Bullwinkle: "Yeah, we've got to withdraw all our money!"
From: Ed Carp

If you want magic, let go of your armor.
Magic is so much stronger than steel!
          --- Richard Bach, "The Bridge Across Forever"
From: James LewisMoss

"Argue for your limitations, and you get to keep them."
          --- Richard Bach
From: Ian Phillipps

If you ask me, all conspiracy theories are put about by the
same bunch of people.
From: Ben Combee

"More insomniacs get their news from _World News Now_
than from any other source."
          --- ABC's World News Now
From: Richard C. Secrist

"The superior man understands what is right;
the inferior man understands what will sell."
From: Ed Taychert

Never be good at anything you don't like doing.
From: Sharon Crichton

I fought the lawn
and the lawn won.
From: "Randall M. Clague"

"Assembly of Japanese bicycle require great peace of mind."
          --- Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance
From: Sean Casey

"Wind, waves, etc. are breakdowns in the face of the commitment to
getting from here to there. But they are conditions for sailing --
not something to be gotten rid of, but something to be danced with."
From: Drew Lawson

Your future is managed
and your freedom's a joke
You don't know the difference
as you put on the yoke.
From: Chuck Chuck Bo-Buck... McMath

Jeans by Jordache. Body By Fritos.
From: Jamais Cascio

"I'd rather be a smartass than a dumbass"
--- me
"Too bad you never had a choice"
--- my wife
From: Richard Shetron

What is the Meaning of Life? There is no meaning,
It's just a consequence of complex carbon based chemistry;
don't worry about it.
          --- The Super 76,
          "Free Aspirin and Tender Sympathy",
          Las Vegas Strip.
From: Elf Sternberg

All you have to do is act like normal people, and they can't tell the
difference. You just talk with them about the dull things they're
interested in, and they eat it up. It's no trick at all to
imitate them.
          --- J.A. Meyer, "Brick Wall," Sept, 1951
From: Luke Mewburn

`Aah ... Yes, and how does madam wish to pay?'
She slapped her credit card on the counter.
`Eventually.'
          --- Lady Sharrow, in Iain M. Banks'
          `Against a Dark Background'
From: Randy (Juice) Welch

"Real Miracles Reasonably Priced"
From: David K. Merriman

"You know, just once, I'd like to meet an Alien Menace
that wasn't immune to bullets...."
          --- (from Dr. Who)
From: David K. Merriman

"Left to it's own devices, Nature cures stupidity."
From: Rich Addison

Man belongs to the Earth.
The Earth does not belong to man.
From: David Turner

Dogs come when you call. Cats have answering machines.
From: Vince Skahan

"I want to be like Barbie - that B____ has everything"
          --- Tee-shirt seen in Philadelphia
From: Norman Anderson

"Could be worse....
could be rainin'"
          --- Young Frankenstien
From: Sarah R. Yoffa

"C'mon you apes! You wanta live forever?"
          --- unknown platoon sergeant, 1918
From: Michael Froomkin

They're weak. They're helpless.
They babble incessantly.
They have so much to learn.
Aren't new parents cute?
Michael Froomkin <>
Parent of David Bradley Froomkin, b. 25 Aug 1993!
From: Rudi van Houten

Experience is the harvest of many mistakes.
From: Paul Suliin

Experience has shown us that men and nations will often act
wisely once they have exhausted all available alternatives.
From: Eric Chan

"Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment
ruined"
          --- Murphy
From: jason downs

"Portions of the preceding were recorded.
As for the rest of it, i'm very much afraid it was all in your mind."
          --- A. Hitchcock
From: Josh Templin

"Smokie Says: Please do not deposit flaming articles into the Death Sphere.
Thank you."
          --- Sam & Max
From: Donald W. Treadway

"Women and cats do as they dammed well please.
Men and dogs had best learn to live with it..."

"I'm at the corner of Walk and Don't Walk...."
From: anonymous

Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered a capital
crime. For a first offence that is.
From: anonymous

Beating her husband to death is every married woman's privilege....
          --- G. Ames
From: Mark Gendron

You know what they say about paradigms? Shift happens!
From: Mike Carty

The early worm deserves the bird...
          --- Robert Anson Heinlein
From: V.S.Carpenter

It takes a big man to cry.
It takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man
          --- Jack Handey
From: Freeman A. Kilpatrick

"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell
him is 'God is crying.' And if he asks why God is crying, another
cute thing to tell him is 'Probably because of something you did.'
          --- Jack Handey
From: Mari (Black Panther) Sepp{

"That ship?" said Ford in sudden excitement. "What happened to it?
Do you know?" "It hated me because I talked to it." "You _talked_
to it?" exclaimed Ford. "What do you mean you talked to it?"
"Simple. I got very depressed, so I went and plugged myself in
to its external computer feed. I talked to the computer at great
length and explained my view of the Universe to it," said Marvin.
"And what happened?" pressed Ford. "It committed suicide," said
Marvin.
From: Ivan Van Laningham

the 3 laws of thermodynamics:
can't win.
can't break even.
can't get out of the game.
From: Richard Chandler

"Wait a minute, you expect us innocent children to climb up dangerous
scaffolding and paint naked people all over a church? We'll do it!!"
          --- Yakko Warner, Animaniacs
From: Miguel Alvarez Blanco
[Note machine name]

"All that is gold does not glitter,
not all those who wander are lost."
          --- Bilbo Baggins.
From: Dave Russo

Cats remind us that not everything in Nature has a purpose.
From: Matthias Urlichs

CU l8r, LE g8r!
From: Steve VanDevender

"Bipedalism -- an unrecognized disease affecting over 99% of the
population. Symptoms include lack of traffic sense, slow rate
of travel, and the classic, easily recognized behavior known
as walking."
From: Wolfgang Schelongowski

Getting people to give vast amounts of money when there's no firm
idea what that money will do is like throwing maidens down a well.
          --- P. J. O'Rourke, Give War a Chance
From: Don Holzworth

"I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation."
From: that one girl

"When I go home she will be waiting for me in her white dress
and I will drink salt water and lose my bad dreams."
          --- Richard Peabody,
          _I'm in Love with the Morton Salt Girl_
From: Alyosha Bourgea

"Every devil I meet is an angel in disguise."
          --- Indigo Girls
From: Simon McClenahan

Trees hit cars only in self-defence.
From: Wolfgang Schelongowski

Not responsible for advice not taken. (Niven's law #18)
          --- Larry Niven, Niven's Laws
From: Doug Tiffany

"Even a fish stays out of trouble when he keeps his mouth shut!"
From: K.W. Curry

Never insult seven men, when all you're packin' is a six gun
          --- Zane Gray
From: Jeffrey Scorsone

If marriage was outlawed only outlaws would have inlaws.

My reality check Just bounced

Everything you know is wrong
Everything I tell you is a lie

The Grabbing Hands Grab All They Can
From: Adam Haberlach

"If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year,
why do they have locks on their doors?"
From: Mark Feit

"Rock journalism is people who can't write, interviewing people who
can't talk for people who can't read."
          --- Frank Zappa, 1940-1993
From: Dianne Hackborn

"Stupidity has a certain charm -- ignorance does not."
          --- Frank Zappa
From: Dianne Hackborn

"The person who stands up and says, ``This is stupid,'' either is
asked to `behave' or, worse, is greeted with a cheerful ``Yes,
we know! Isn't it terrific!''"
          --- Frank Zappa
From: Don White

"Americans like to talk about (or be told about) democracy but,
when put to the test, usually find it to be an 'inconvience.'
We have opted instead for an authoritarian system disguised as
a democracy."
          --- Frank Zappa
From: Bruce Ritchie

"I hate television. I hate it as much as peanuts.
But I can't stop eating peanuts."
          --- Orson Wells
From: S. Spencer Sun

Outlawing drugs in order to solve drug problems is much like
outlawing sex... to win the war against AIDS.
          --- Ronald Siegel, "Intoxication"
From: Taneli Huuskonen

Jugglers are very suspicious. If you show them a new trick, they'll
think, "Hey, where's the catch?"
From: Jackie

Decaffeinated coffee? What's the point?
From: Colette Marine

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it
From: Lisa Ehren

"Me? I was sweet and innocent when I came to college." --- me
"Now you're just sweet." --- Keith
From: John Switzer

"It's not guns that kill people, It's these little hard things!"
          --- the Flash from "The Trickster Returns"
From: Rick

"Sometimes, I think the proof that intelligent life exists
elsewhere in the Universe is that it hasn't contacted us."
From: Sherman Brown

Daemons do it with pointers.
Life sucks, and then you're a vampire.
From: James Hensley

Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
          --- Ralph Waldo Emerson
          'Art', 1841
From: Don Wilkinson

Bear, with a one track mind... and the train is derailed.
From: Simon Hart

Life is like a sewer. What you get out depends on what you put in.
          --- Tom Lehrer's friend, Hen3ry.
From: Gerry George

Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
Any item not in the above three categories causes cancer in rats!

**I think, therefore I am, I think**
From: RHETORICAL-MAN

"A flute without a hole is not a flute,
A doughnut without a hole is a danish."
          --- Chevy Chase
From: davoid

someday you will find someone special.
someone who won't press charges.
          --- gomez addams
From: Wood, Victor

"If you take something apart and put it back together again enough
times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build
a second one."
From: SillyWiz

"Don't worry, there's absolutely no way they
can hit us from all they way over th..."
From: Mark W. Schumann

"Aren't you glad you didn't marry someone dumber than you?"
          --- my wife
From: Richard Bielak

"The best way to predict the future is to invent it."
          --- Alan C. Kay
From: anonymous

I read the newspaper today and was amazed that, in 24 hours,
five billion people could accomplish so little.
From: mark allan co

"I used to be conceited, but now I am perfect."
--- from STUDS
From: Scarrow

"By all means, take the moral high ground -- all that
heavenly backlighting makes you a much easier target."
          --- Solomon Short
From: anonymous

"You can believe anything you want. The Universe
is not obligated to keep a straight face."
          --- Solomon Short
From: WolfDancer

"A "practical joker" deserves applause for his wit according to
it's quality. Bastianado is about right. For exceptional wit
one might grant keelhauling. But staking him out to an anthill
should be reserved for the very wittiest."
          --- Lazarus Long
From: anonymous

"Money is a powerful aphrodisiac. But flowers work almost as well."
          --- Lazarus Long
From: WolfDancer

If you don't like what I have to say, take your marbles and go home.
From: Pat Spinler

"Life? Life is a crock.
You're born, you die, and you're lonely a lot in between."
From: Pangaea

REUNITE PANGAEA!
From: Lou Dellaverson

When the horse is dead, get off!!!
From: Jonathan Eifrig

"Grandma used to get up on the piano and put boxer shorts on
her head, and lead us in rounds of Crimean war chants. (Gee, that
was fun!) And Dad would spin Mom around on the table, and we'd all
shout "Big Money!" Then we'd all go throw our shoes in the lake and
do the tango, while Cousin Ned made ambulance noises. Well, you
can't relive special moments like that!"
          --- Mid-Atlantic Milk Marketing Association

P.S.: "Wheeeeeooooo! Ned used to drive the dogs crazy with that ...."
From: Ian Crowther

If you can't make someone happy, make them chocolate fudge cake
From: Mattison

I'm my own evil twin, accept no substitute.
From: Tolthrye

"I mean, no matter how you attempt to twist it, you can't prove that
other people are not hiding who they are when you claim that your
lack of ability to find out who I am means I am hiding something."
          --- some clueless net-dweeb, c. 1993
From: The Golden Gryphon

Of all the things in my life I miss on a daily basis, I think my wife,
my mind, and my freedom are the top three.
From: Thomas Baetzler

Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off
a policeman's tie.
From: Rhia

"Never believe a cat who sits and smiles at you. It's hiding
something... probably your socks or car keys."
From: Malcolm McMahon

views expressed do not necessarilly represent the
unanimous view of all parts of my mind.
From: Malcolm McMahon

I love the smell of rats
          --- Feynman
From: Noire

"Don't take life so seriously... it's not a permanent condition."
          --- Noire
From: York Lam - ACPS/F93

It's only fun until someone loses an eye...
then it's fun for one less person.
From: Jack Brown

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things
I cannot change, the courage to change the things
I can and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those
people I had to kill because they pissed me off.
From: Geoffrey Warren Hicks

"Educate - don't legislate"
From: David Holland

Nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the
American public.
From: Erik "Ruffian" Zane

"We're fucked! Doomed even..."
          --- PFC Hudson, Aliens
From: Gee

"All generalizations are false, including this one."
          --- Mabel Clark, my ninth grade geometry teacher,
          who "collected quips."
From: Michael A. Traffanstead

'You can't teach people to be lazy... Either they have it,
or they don't.'
          --- Dagwood Bumstead
From: Kateri/Mary Anne

Some say the world will end in fire, / Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire / I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice, / I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice / Is also great / And would suffice.
          --- Frost
From: Richard P. Muller

It is not necessary to imagine the world ending in fire or ice.
There are two other possibilities: One is paperwork, and the
other is nostalgia."
          --- Frank Zappa
From: Ron Schweikert

He who dies with the most toys, still dies ...
From: Tom J Parry

Your reality is a figment of my imagination.
From: Tassach MacTearlach

"Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again"
          --- Robert A. Heinlein
From: Tassach MacTearlach

void school(double money){
while (!graduated()){
          --hair;
          debt += alot; } }
From: Jay Freedman

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
From: Steve Rodrigues

Lost, yesterday, somewhere between sunrise and sunset, two golden
hours, each set with sixty diamond minutes. No reward is offered,
for they are gone forever.
          --- Horace Mann
From: Adam Lee Weaver

Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.
          --- Trotsky
From: Leonard R. Cleavelin

"The screwball is an unnatural pitch. God didn't intend a
man's wrist to twist that way throwing rocks at a bear."
          --- Carl Hubbell
From: Charles E Meier

"You can learn a lot from listening to people talk. Why everything I
know today I've learned from listening to myself talk about things
that I knew absolutely nothing about."
          --- Gracie Allen
From: QEII

Proud owner of one of the first Hell Credit Cards.
"Spend all you want. You'll pay later."
From: Eric Walker

Sometimes I miss my Mom... then I reload.
From: Gary Merinstein

"..here pigs will fly, lightning will strike twice, hell will
freeze over, and eventually, things will get really interesting..."
From: System Admin (Mike Peterson)

Some days you're the bird, other days you're the statue.
From: John G. Skosnik

"If your phone doesn't work call the Telecommunications department."
          --- Helpful advice from Central Mich. dorm handbook
From: John E. Stump

"Fingers are great. They are something you can always count on."
From: "Scott A. McIntyre"

"A wasted youth is better by far than a wise and productive old age"
From: Chris Hawley

."\_, . On the Internet, no-one knows if you're .^\ /^.
( o o\| a Dog or a Fox... let 'em wonder! :) ( o o )
`{*}' `\*/'
U
From: JAMES RONALD BERARDI):

That which does not kill us makes us stronger.
That which kills us makes us dead.
From: David Barr

"The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be
taken seriously"
          --- Hubert Humphrey
From: John Richardson

"When everything else fails... so will the duct tape.
But have it along anyway."
          --- David Goodman
From: Steve Cox

"Suicide Hotline... please hold for the next available..."
From: Sean Ho

Yesterday upon the stair
I met a man who wasn't there.
He wasn't there again today --
I think he's from the CIA.
From: Tong Ka Wai

"A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to
admit, let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact
remains that there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one
reason or another, completely immune to any direct magical spell. It
is for this group of beings that the magician learns the subtleties of
using indirect spells. It also does no harm, in dealing with these
matters, to carry a large club near your person at all times."
          --- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII
From: Kinstrey

"If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum."
          --- unknown
From: Jay Elmore

"Alaska is a third-world country; it's just one that we happen to own."
          --- ON DEADLY GROUND
From: Kristian Koehntopp

"Do not wash your LEGO people -- their faces come off."
rec.toys.lego FAQ, Subject 9: "How to wash LEGO pieces"
"There's nothing wrong with that. I'd pretend that their faces melted,
and became faceless mutant LEGO people."
          --- mengsoo@bnr.ca (Meng Soo)
From: CHRISTOPHER D DUKES

"Very Pete Townshendish." "Who?" "Exactly."
From: MegaZone

"I have one prejudice, and that is against stupidity. Use your mind, think!"
From: Adelbert Fernandez

A mid-term exam is life's way of saying the semester's half over;
Of course, you could say that about a mid-life crisis.
From: William

The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to
fill the world with fools.
          --- Herbert Spencer
From: Olivia

"This is *not* my second childhood;
I am not done with the *first* one yet!"
From: Kathy E. Vancko

"I think so Brain, but if they called them Sad Meals,
kids wouldn't buy them."
          --- Pinky

"They were right, it didn't have a chance."
          --- Wakko
From: Martin N. Steed

Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in
overalls and looks like work.
          --- Thomas Edison
From: "Damon Rand, Canterbury Uni, NZ"

Thought for the unspecified period:
Amazing but true: There's so much sand in North Africa that if
spread out, it would completely cover the Sahara Desert!
From: Charles Wiltgen

"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and
then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come."
          --- Nietzsche (Groening)
From: Jon Michael Coats

Honk if you're apathetic.
From: -^-^spectrum-^^-

"My home town is proof that Hell is full and the dead walk the earth."
          --- NJ
From: anonymous

But, there still must be a way to have our children say:
There are so many colors in a rainbow, There are so many colors
in the morning sun. There are so many colors in the flower and I
see every one.

Harry Chapin: Flowers are Red
From: Mark P. Nelson

See, if we had bought a dog instead, like _I_ wanted,
we could go out like this all the time.
From: Michael Babcock

"I've got to change my mind before it burns out."
From: Benedikt Eric Heinen

Legally, it's questionable.
          Morally, it's disgusting.
          Personally, I like it...
From: Russel Mar

"The last run of Twinkies was 1978; If you want'm fresh, wait'l 1996."
From: Jim Harkins

"I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.
Not screaming in terror like his passengers."
From: Caroline01

All modern men are descended from wormlike creatures,
but it shows more on some people."
          --- Will Cuppy
From: Barny Shergold

"The pen is mightier than the sword, but only if the sword
is very short and the pen is very sharp."
From: Charles Todd

Blank Pieces of paper were invented to remind you how
hard it is to be God.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
"Would you believe that the doctor said that
even a lobotomy wouldn't stop her babbling?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Q: Why does the condemned man get a last cigarette
instead of one of those through-the-skin stick-on
nicotine thingies?
A: Never patch an executable.
From: Chris Adams

Don't touch that! It's the history eraser button!
From: Dan Howard

"Listen! Do you smell something?"
          --- Ray ("Ghostbusters")
From: Olaf Buwen

a committee's speed of reaction can be best comprehended by
a geologist
From: Steve DuChene

They all laughed at Albert Einstein. They all laughed at Columbus.
Unfortunately, they also all laughed at Bozo the Clown.
From: Wayne Schlitt

Our reasoning goes something like this: "If I want it, I need it.
If I need it, it's my right. If it's my right, someone should
give it to me. Or else I'll sue."
          --- Newsweek June 27, 1994
From: finn

"I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it."
          --- Jack Handey
From: Benjamin V.C. Collins

Please don't judge me by what I say or do or think or really am.
          --- Ashleigh Brilliant
From: Steve Arlow)

"The Ring-tailed Lemur or Madagascar Cat is caught
by sailors who have enough Parrots already."
From: michael moncur

"Stoop and you'll be stepped on; stand tall and you'll be shot at."
          --- Carlos A. Urbizo
From: Mordea

"Alright! Alright! Let them eat PIE!"
          --- Marie Antoinette, last words
From: Jon-Paul Therriault

"All life is an experiment" - Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Life's a Bitch, but Death is a cute Brunette" - Sandman
From: A.K.Srikanth

A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!"

"However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a
sense of obligation."
          --- Stephen Crane
From: Arthur Tateishi

Choices don't scare me. However, a lack of choices does.
From: George Allegrezza

At Digital, we never miss an opportunity to miss an opportunity.
From: Steve Birmingham

A wise man knows everything, a shrewd one, everybody.
From: Jim Tunnicliffe

What's another word for "thesaurus"?
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
From: Taylor Hutt

One won one one dollar prize.
From: michael moncur

"Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone."
          --- Anthony Burgess
From: Thumper.. ask my fiancee!

"Our earth is degenerate in these latter days. Bribery and
corruption are common. Children no longer obey their parents.
Every man wants to write a book.... The end of the world is
evidently approaching."
--- On a stone slab carved in 2800 B.C. in Assyria
From: Doug McLaren

Amnesia is not knowing who one is and wanting desperately to find out.
Euphoria is not knowing who one is and not caring.
Ecstacy is knowing exactly who one is - and still not caring.
          --- Tom Robbins
From: Timothy Fay

"My mental facilities are TWICE what yours are -- you pea brain!"
          --- Percival McLeach
From: Diane Lin

"Give a little love to a child, and you get a great deal back."
          --- John Ruskin
From: David Bakin

"I can make cats break-dance; ask me how"
          --- seen on a license plate frame
From: Rich Wallick x1242

``Bigotry has no head, and cannot think; no heart, and cannot feel."
          --- Daniel O'Connel, Irish political leader (1775-1847)
From: Rodolfo Paiz

"You have to start a circular argument SOMEWHERE..."
          --- Prof. Westervelt
          Harvard University
From: Christopher Scott Campbell

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke."
But to me that's what her dinner tasted like.
          --- Jack Handey
From: Pen Clark

We are Borg...Resistance is futile...
Prepare to be...oooo, doughnuts.
From: anonymous

We secretly replace the dilithium with Folger's...
From: Just a fellow traveller...

'Magic is perfection.' Magic isn't perfection. Magic is illusion.
Magic is made of odds and ends, inventiveness, and timing. In
the end, even that isn't enough. Magic can't exist without the
viewer.
From: Rich Wallick x1242

``A man must be both stupid and uncharitable
who believes there is no virtue or truth but on his own side.''
          --- Joseph Addison
          English essayist and poet (1672-1719)
From: Gordon Moffett

"Welcome to Oregon. Now go home."
From: lmerkel on BIX

I'm sick of doubletalk. Let's call a manually operated
soil-excavation implement a hand-powered terrain-displacement
device, OK?
From: David Washburn

"What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway."
          --- Dr. Karl Menninger
From: Tom Barringer

The Tall Conspiracy is looking for members. Please see the
recruitment flyer posted on the top of your refrigerator.
From: Larry W. Virden

The task of an educator should be to irrigate the desert
not clear the forest.
From: anonymous

Beer makes you smart! Well it made Bud wiser.
          --- mick@ddiq.com
From: Darren S. Embry

``This is only temporary, unless it works.''
          --- Red Green
From: Darren S. Embry

``Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to
travel across the country from coast to coast without seeing
anything.''
          --- Charles Kuralt
From: Belding, Troy C.

I'll get a life when it is proven and substantiated
to be better than what I am currently experiencing.
From: "B. Gaff"

Do not call me a complete idiot! - Some parts are missing!
From: anonymous

Cargo goes by ship, a shipment goes by truck. Go figure...
From: Christine M. Faltz

The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the
crowd. The man who walks alone will usually wind up in places no
one has been before.
          --- Allan Ashley-Pitt
From: Naresh Sharma

Optimists designed the aeroplane,
pessimists designed the parachute!
From: Leo Green

"Abaraham Lincoln didn't die in vain! He died in Washington D.C!"
From: Jerry Ablan

"I have always believed that I was slightly saner than most people.
Then again, most insane people think this."
          --- Truman Capote
You've got to jump off cliffs all the time and build your wings
on the way down.
          --- Ray Bradbury
From: Brandy Ewing

Brandy's Knowledge for Life:
1. Take Everything as a Compliment.
2. Men -- Dumb as Rocks =)
3. You Never Win a Fight with a Brick Wall
4. Never Turn Down a Free Beer
From: Per Goetterup

Answers: $1, Short: $5, Correct: $25, dumb looks are still free.
From: Roger Bicknell

I've got an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.
From: James F. Rorie

"That which does not kill us will most certainly hurt like HELL!!"
From: Daniel P. Faigin

"Earthquakes aren't fascinating when they are under your house"
From: From the Scott Bradner article in Network News.
These are from other sources.
---------------------------------------------------
o Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
o Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
o C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
o Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
o The secret of the universe is @*&!!NO CARRIER!
o A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.
o Did anyone see my lost carrier?
o Error, no keyboard - Press F1 to continue.
o From an IBM maintainance manual (1925):
"By all means, do not use a hammer"
o Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
o Friends help you move.
Real friends help you move bodies.
o Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
o A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
o Hard work has a future payoff.
Laziness pays off now.
o Given a fifty-fifty chance, you will be wrong 90% of the time.
o IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
o All generalizations are false, including this one.
o A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
o Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
o He who laughs last thinks slowest.
o Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
o Two is not equal to three - not even for large values of two.
o Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
o A closed mouth gathers no foot.
o A good scapegoat is hard to find.
o Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
o Puritanism: The haunting feat that someone, somewhere may be happy.
o Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
o I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
o The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
o Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
o I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
o Very funny Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
o When there's a will, I want to be in it.
o We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
o A cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
o Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
o "Criminal lawyer" is a redundancy.
o "After all, all he did was string together a lot of old,
well-known quotations." --- H. L. Menchen (on Shakespeare)
From: Norbert J. Girardi

SSSSSS SQUAREDANCE is FRIENDSHIP set to MUSIC.
S QQSQQQ Norbert J. Girardi < girardi@rniil.rni.sub.org >
SSSQSS Q Voice: +49 621 493417 (h) +49 621 381-3260 (w)
QQQQQQ If you know how to REPAIR YOUR SQUARE :-) drop me a line
From: jeffery galinovsky - EUCD

"Marriage involes falling in love with the same person over
and over again!"
          --- Unknown
From: Sarah R. Weisman

There are only two lasting bequests we can leave our children:
One is roots and the other is wings.
From: Jim Paradis

The purpose of time is to keep everything from happening at once.
It's not working.
From: Shane DeRidder

-- Have you ever been sucked dry from coroprate greed?
-- You Will.
-- And the company that will bring it to you: AT&T.
From: Craig Lindley

"Do I mind if you smoke? I don't give a shit if you burn to the
ground!"
From: bill davidsen

"Pain builds moral fiber" -my dad
"Pain hurts" -me
From: M.Arifi Koseoglu

This we know. The earth does not belong to man;
man belongs to the earth. This we know. All things
are connected like the blood which unites one family.
All things are connected.

Whatever befalls the earth befalls the sons of the earth.
Man did not weave the web of life; he is merely a strand
in it. Whatever he does to the web, he does to himself.

          --- Chief Seattle
From: Roman Gollent

Take your dying with some seriousness, however. Laughing on the
way to your execution is not generally understood by less
advanced life forms, and they'll call you crazy.
          --- "Messiah's Handbook:
          Reminders for the Advanced Soul"
From: Dale R. Worley

A man about to speak the truth should keep one foot in the stirrup.
          --- Old Mongolian Saying
From: Josh Wilmes

"A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep."
From: Uri Blumenthal

I'm not sure which upsets me more: that people are so unwilling to
accept responsibility for their own actions, or that they are so
eager to regulate everyone else's.
From: John Antypas

"God is too busy to create chaos and disorder in this world, he
can't be everywhere at once all of the time, That's why he made
two year olds"

"No -- two year olds don't go everywhere at once either -- but
they DO have transporters"
From: Scott Barker

"Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live. It is asking
other people to live as one wishes to live."
          --- (?)
From: Marc A. Volovic

Fencers do it with rapid thrusts!
Guess how SABRE fencers do it, eh!?
From: J.Plewe

I am not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.
It is just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
From: Krysztof Emil Kamieniecki

"If you kill one person, you are an assassin.
If you kill a million people, you are a conquerer.
If you kill everyone, you are a god."
          --- Conrad Bland
From: Charles Ewen MacMillan

"To hang up immediately, please press #1."
"To have a sales representative hang up on you, please press two."
"To have a technical support representative hang up, press 3."
"To report problems with hanging up, please press 4...."
From: Brian J Colby

"Life is like a box of chocolates...
you never know which one has the cyanide!"
          --- McCabe Gump
From: Nigel Bovey

Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else?
From: Jim Cooper

"Yes, it's true my dear, you are a good woman...
On the other hand, perhaps you are the anti-christ"

Doc Holiday in Tombstone (the movie, not the real thing)
From: Chris Adams

"With friends like these, who needs halucinations?"
          --- Buddy, 'Night Court'
From: Steve Wampler

The Gods that were smiling when you were born are laughing now.
          --- found in a fortune cookie
From: Scot E. Wilcoxon

1. Laws are society's common sense, written down for the stupid.
2. The stupid refuse to read. Thank you for choosing to read.
From: Chagatai Khan

A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
From: Anselm Lingnau

Love is like Pi --- natural, irrational and *very* important.
--- Lisa Hoffmann
From: Random Walker

An income statement is like a bikini...
What it reveals is interesting but what it conceals is vital.
          --- Burton G. Malkiel
          A Random Walk Down Wall Street
From: Chet Ramey

"The lyf so short, the craft so long to lerne."
          --- Chaucer
From: Greg Berigan

If your use of lose and loose is loose you lose.
From: David Policar

< Fish and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign" have
been clearer if quotation marks had been placed before Fish,
and between Fish and and, and and and And, and And and and,
and and and And, and And and and, and and and Chips, as
well as after Chips?>>
          --- Swiped from a fortune.
From: Jim Paradis

"It's not procrastination, it's my new
Just-In-Time Workload Management System!"
From: Richard Watts

`There comes a time when you look into the mirror and you realise
that what you see is all that you will ever be. And then you accept
it. Or you kill yourself. Or you stop looking in mirrors.'
From: Erik Troan

"I'm not a monster, I'm a prototype"
          --- SeaQuest
From: Kevin Burtch

"Any resemblance to persons, living, dead, or undead, is purely
coincidental."
          --- "Lycanthrope Productions Ltd."
          in trailing credits of
          "An American Werewolf in London".
From: Alec Muffett

Alec Muffett My four grades of coffee: "normal"
Sun Microsystems (UK) "wakeup"
Network Security Group "hangover cure"
(speaking for himself, not his employers) "36-hour hacking stint"
From: Rob Coleman

I don't have an attitude problem -- You have a perception problem.
From: Bill West

There are two kinds of people, those who do the work and those who
take the credit. Try to be in the first group; there is less
competition there.
          --- Indiri Gandhi
From: Zach Romans

"Let go of my ears. I know what I'm doing."
From: anonymous

Carpe Diem - Seize the day
Carpe Noctum - Seize the night
Carpin Denium - there's a fish in my pants
From: Steve Wampler

The Gods that smiled upon your birth are laughing now.
          --- fortune cookie
From: Amelia A Lewis

"The female of the species is more deadly than the male."
          --- Rudyard Kipling.
From: Kevin Friedman

"Wash daily from nose-tip to tail-tip; drink deeply, but never too deep;
And remember the night is for hunting, and forget not the day is for sleep."
--- The Law of the Jungle, Rudyard Kipling
From: Wm Caplan (SSE)

Sign on a Child Psychologist's door:
"We have always been dependent on the strangeness of kinder."
From: Tom Christiansen

"There is no idea so sacred that it cannot be questioned, analyzed...
and ridiculed."
--- Cal Keegan
From: Martien Verbruggen

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
From: Phil Kernick

"The Germans are such a cruel and inhuman race, they have no
word for fluffy."
          --- Black Adder goes Fourth
From: Devin Ben-Hur

"A lunatic is easily recognized. He is a moron who doesn't
know the ropes."
          --- Jacopo Belbo
From: Chip Salzenberg

(Roller coaster on camera:) "Wow, this square quarter mile
has unbelievably good light rail transit!"
          --- MST3K
From: Matthew Cravit

Experience is what allows you to recognize a mistake the second
time you make it.

Other quotes